The Move >> Farewell Blogger

Dear Wolfies,
I needed a change that blogger could not give me.
I have continued my evolution blogs at:

actionwolfe.wordpress.com

xx

Change.

So I talked about change in my last blog.  The reasonIdidn't really want to talk about it was because I am still coming to terms with a lot in my head.

Within the last 11 days I have had a total health overhaul.  I decided enough was enough and have made big advances in where I am with myself.  At times now I can see the goals, at times I fears slipping back to where I was.  Within 11 days I have lost close to 7 kilos, became a hell of a lot fitter and starting to understand what I was doing wrong within the lifestyle I was living in.  It was not healthy, but I learnt to be that way from a young age.  In saying that I do not blame the people who brought me up, I love them to pieces, they were doing their best to bring me up strong and healthy.  I have to unlearn my bad habbits.

Over the last 2 weeks I have been hit with these sudden realisations of what the old me was like.  I had incorrect portion sizes. I had incorrect diatary ideals.  I had a lack of enthusiasm for exercise.  Now, I am trying to correct all these. Normally weight loss would go slowly and be a long drawn out process, and it should be.  But with the help of my doctor I have been able to speed it up.  Because it has happened quickly, for the first time I realised how big of an impact 7 kilos can make.  Clothes that are baggy on me now were tight two weeks ago.  I actually ran last night during my exercise session and enjoyed it.  I feel like I'm coming forward in bounds and leaps.

The moment that hit the the worst however, is at my birthday dinner.  I watched a member of my family consume a large amount of food.  Whilst watching in awe, suddenly realised that was once me.  My mother and sister kept asking if I wanted to try some of theirs, or I could finnish their plate for them.  That's when it struck.  I was a living garbage disposal.  I declined.  On the way home I had images of me scoffing in the middle of a restraunt and my family just going on with life as if me doing that was normal because they were used to it.  On the way home I burst into tears.  First sad ones, and then they turned into tears of happiness. I have finally found the power to escape this grasp being overweight has on me.

Sure I have a long way to go, but I believe this time I am going to get there.  I am going to enjoy life instead of living behind a facade of happiness.  I refuse to go back to the weight that I was, and I refuse to stay at the weight that I am at.  No matter how slow or drawn out the process is.

Yes, this blog has a common connection between the posts that is love.  This is the post where I tell you that I amn trying to love myself, because where I was at two weeks ago was me being comfortable with myself.  But I didn't love me, and if you can't say you love being you your life wont eventuate.  Or it will, just a dull and uncolourful version of it.

xx Action Wolfe

Hey Wolfies.

The reason I haven't blogged in a bit is because I haven't needed to.

I'm going through a self transformation at the moment.

I'm shedding things out of my life that aren't doing me any favors.

Don't worry blogs will keep coming, just need to do this before I start writing again.

xx Action Wolfe

Role of a lifetime.

"Everything's an act when you're pleasing everyone, but he assumes that role to such renown."

****

"The role of a lifetime is living a fantasy, a battle that you struggle to erase."

*****

Bare - A Rock Musical

This blog is about falling for someone who isn't comparable with you.  Which seems to be the error of my ways as of late.  Some how I seem to have an avert attraction to straight guys.  I could be in a crowd full of gay men, and I'd seamlessly fall for the odd straight guy int he group without hesitation.  I don't know whether I go through this subconsciously or whether it's just an act of fate, but it happens every time.  The last four guys I have been interested in have all gave off the interested vibe to me - but it's never enough to go further.  It's always a more than friends friendship with nothing but lame awkward moments.  Awkward moments that are extremely hot, but awkward moments none the less.

At the end of the day if I did fall for a straight guy, it would be a waste of time because:

1. I refuse to closet myself and have a secret relationship.
2. I wouldn't want to be the reason someone came out.  If their family spazzed out over the idea of their son being gay, I would be the reason their son is gay and that's how they would see it.
3. I wouldn't want to force someone out of the closet.  It's not fair.  It's a personal journey people have to accept on their own.

If it did happen with the perfect guy - I'm sure I'd try to endure through it, but they'd have to understand I'm not going to hide myself from the world.  It's not like I go around screaming "I'm a faggot - look at my rainbow wear!"  But, you know.  I don't mind telling people I'm gay - it's who I am and I'm comfortable with it.

Let's see where this all takes me in the long run Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe

Unconditional love.

It's a frightning thing, the idea that someone can love you for you no matter what you do, say, act, commit.

Unconditional.  Under no conditions will anything change how much someone loves you.

Many people in even the strongest relationships have their breaking point.  It's where that point is that makes the whole idea of love interesting.  At what point does the damage that someone has done to you outweight the love you feel for them?  Lets face it, love is a very cruel thing.  Coming from someone who has never been in said love, from the outside looking in sometimes I want to slap people.  Because lets face it.  Love makes people do crazy shit.  Other people might not understand, but that balance of love decides whether something is make of break.

What about if you love someone without them feeling the same back?  What if you feel soo strongly for someone and they don't love you in return?  Why do you keep having the same feeling.  Doesn't the hurt of rejection push you to the area of love where bitterness comes from?

Love.  The act of love.  The emotion of love.

It is all a bit lost on me, yet I hang on to that notion that one day I will find someone who will love me unconditionally.

That's all for now Wolfies.

I've neglected you for 2 weeks, does your love for my posts outweight the annoyance of my ignorance for blogs.

Let's face it you have to live life for a blog to happen.

That's why I haven't written of late.  Nothing has triggered me.

xx Action Wolfe

Sorry bout the week.

There hasn't been any post for a week because I've been intensely ill and haven't had the energy to do anything.

I will post tomorrow after "The Chase", which is like an amazing race around Perth.

Sorry Wolfies.

xxAction Wolfe

That's pretty gay.....

"Oh won't you bail me out of this rut, I've got myself in once again."

-Pete Murray

Here are the ten reasons I hate being gay:

1)  Falling for straight men.
I tend to fall head over heals for "straight" guys who aren't going to come out any time soon.  For some reason it is the trending feature in all the guys I end up liking for longer than a few weeks.  I keep getting told "You shouldn't be like that with straight guys" but it's not really my choice who I'm attracted to - I just am.

2)  Being mistaken as a boyfriend.
Every time I go out with my female friends, whether it is to Zumba (honestly, what straight man would do Zumba) or just out for coffee with people who don't know me it is always assumed I'm dating the girl I'm with.  This leads to that awkward moment where you actually explain "Nope, even though I'm not a flip of a girly girl I like the cock.  It's true."

3)  Sexuality is not gender.
Just because I'm gay people actually EXPECT that I am going to be flamboyant.  Believe it or not I don't think sexuality is a key thing that defines someone way of life.  It is a label that semantically represents who they are attracted to in a partner.

4)  Being referred to as a female.
Ok, so some of my close friends do it as a joke, but it's just that, the know it's a pet peeve and they play on it.  If you don't know a gay guy, don't call him "Girlfriend", "Girl", or directly say "You can hang with the chicks because you're not really a man."  Believe it or not it does happen on a regular basis.  People automatically assume you like to talk about your menstruation patterns and makeup.


5)  Being friends with straight guys.
Whenever I take a male friend anywhere with me to a party, people automatically presume it's because something is going on behind the scenes.  People, if it was it still isn't any of your business.  If it was I'd have told you.


6)  Gay men are sluts.
It's true in 97% of cases.

7)  Gay men don't believe in monogamy.
I have only found a handful of gay men who believe monogamy is something worth having.  I see it as sex comes with a connection, no matter how much you say it was meaningless.  It's still fucking someone because your attracted to them.  If you weren't you wouldn't fuck them.  If you are so strongly connected to someone in a relationship you shouldn't feel the need to go and connect with other men. 


8)  Gay men aren't meant to be in monogamous relationships because males have higher sex drives.
Fuck off - straight men don't have higher sex drives yet they can resist the urge to get their cocks wet and keep it in their pants.  It's a cop out.  Seriously.

9)  You don't look gay.
Yes, believe it or not some gay guys don't like to dress in high fashioned clothing and go got the gym twice daily.  It's like straight people.  We come in many different shapes, sizes, colours and backgrounds.  It's like saying to a metro-sexual "You don't look straight."  They will be offended.

10)  Gay men are bitches.
Okay, I can bitch with the best of them.  It's true.  I'm not going to lie about that, but do you know how much those bitchy little queens annoy me.  Sometime when you even just walk past them or get introduced they look at you as if you have just shat on a midget whilst singing the sound of music.  Get off you're high horse Mr.Queen.  You're a human like us.

Sooo.... that was my 10 reasons why I hate being gay.  I know they aren't that big of a deal, but I kinda had that rant in my head for about 20 minutes and decided to jot it down.  Most of them intertwine with one another.  That's the way life work thought.

I think that's all for now Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe

Love..... and being turned on in the head.... the top head.

"Write a list of things you need, leave it empty.  Except for number one, write love, gamble everything."

-Ben Lee

Soo.... I don't really want to talk about love again, but it's been a topic I talked about last night over red wine with a friend.  And we came up with an interesting idea.  

We both have had bad choices in people to have relationships with.  Our question was 'do we fall in love with the wrong people, plainly because we aren't ready for a full on relationship as of yet?'  It's an interesting idea, where our subconscious directs us to the wrong kind of people because we aren't emotionally at the right place to hold a proper relationship.  

Another thing that's been talked about is how people are gay.  I know I've always known I am deep down, but it's a matter of accepting it and being open with who you are before coming out.  My friend questions whether I think it's nature or nurture that causes humans to become homosexual.  Whilst I strongly disagree that it is either of these, the reasoning was this.  If it was nurture, gay people wouldn't come from many walks of life.  It would be from the same types of family and home conditions.  On the other hand it can't possibly be nature.  If it was genetic, there simply wouldn't be an inclining rate of gay beings because.... obviously.... gay partners can't create children with one another.... and as it would be a recessive gene parenting a child with a straight person would create a straight baby.  ^_^ It was an interesting conversation.

The last part of my 24 hours was watching episode one of the second season of Glee.  One of the scenes had a new character singing.  When someone sings in a certain way I find it very attractive.  The only other time I had found it to this extent is Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge. I tried to explain it to my room mate but it was unsuccessful and ended in the sentence "I'm so turned on by that guy rights now.  Don't worry I'm not hard.  You know what I mean.... Turned on in the head and not the pants?"  Yeah.... It ended in an awkward stare.  My bad.

Oh well, that is all for now.

Keep on trucking Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe.

Zombied Out.

Today I woke up tired (as I procrastinated about going to bed again).  In effect I was two arm's raised off a zombie.  When I'm tired I seem to lack emotions and facial responses.... but I think that's normal.  It's like tiredness brings on more 'Meh' than one can handle.

It was a pretty slow day at work today besides a random Karma Sutra book coming into stock, a book about Micheal Phelps that reminded me of Wheezy Waiter, and an awkward conversation about head jobs.  Same old stuff really.  I love my workplace but slowly the place is going down because there are a few workers there that bring down the team morale.  At the same time it's confirmation for me that I wont be working there for the rest of my life - teaching beckons.  This prospect excites me.

Another thing that happened today was ZUMBA!  Lol.  I wasn't expecting to enjoy it so much, but it was a laugh trying to keep up with the class and the pansy ass instructor.  As the only male over 20 that wasn't an instructor... I'm pretty sure I shook my booty better than most of the chicks in there.  Shaking away my badonkedonk.

I think I'm addicted to twitter... but hey, I suppose it's better than crack at the end of the day.  ^_^

Hope all is well Wolfies - How was your day?

xx Action Wolfe

Love, Loooove, Love.

"She told me 'Son, fear is the heart of love...' and I never looked back."

-I will follow you into the dark, Death Cab for Cutie

For the first time in my life I'm not sitting in my room saying "Oh my god, it would be great if I could meet someone."  It's nice.  In saying that men are still fucking annoying the shit out of me, but at least it isn't a "I'm so alone I need someone in my life."  It's a comfortable stage to be in.  A healthy stage to be in.

The one thing I am sick of is logging onto facebook and seeing couples complaining how much they miss their other halves when they have only been separated like one day... and they don't even live together.  Okay, okay, I understand that kinda breaks the view that I'm a romantic guy.  But seriously.  It is 24 hours people... grow up and stop acting like a love addicted 17 year old girl.

I understand the love is a power force between two people - but where are the boundaries.  Are the lines blurred?  Is love great until it starts to affect every other aspect of our life? Is there a line where one says enough is enough, or is the addiction to great to come down off?  Rhetoric questions again?

^_^

Love, I suppose it is different for everyone.

Goodnight Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe

Postsecret triggers soo many thoughts.

Image from www.postsecret.blogspot.com

I love Postsecret, there is no doubt about that.  But every now and then a secret hits close to home and you find yourself reeling back, yet oddly comfortable.  The fact that somewhere, someone in the world has had the exact same thought as you is a powerful piece of knowledge.  

The image above does this for me.  No this isn't going to be a blog about self pity and how upset I am, because I am really not and am really over that situation.... over all three times it has happened.  More this has set me into thinking because I had this exact same line going through my head a week ago.  "If I were more perfect, would he be less straight?" is a chilling thing for a person to think.  I love who I am.  I like that I'm not 'good looking'.  I like the fact I'm not perfect.  I like the fact that I can perfectly keep myself occupied without needing people to entertain me.  I like the fact that while I'm alone and left to my own devices I do odd things.  I like me.  The fact I thought this scared the crap out of me.  If I loved me soo much, why did I think that I wasn't?

Was it a part of the healing process?  Was it a way of telling myself I'm not right for him, so his not right for me?  Was it just so my life opened a can of rhetoric questions nobody can really answer? : P

Whatever way you look at it - it's nice to know someone, somewhere is going through the same things as me.

For now that is all Wolfies, it feels better to be back blogging after the drought.... after a drought.... ^_^

xx Action Wolfe

2010 - So far...

So, I'm not going to start with "Oh my god I'm soo sorry that I haven't posted in...." because to be honest.  I'm not sorry, I just plainly haven't had the time to blog / too much happening in my personal life to have the need to blog.

I wanted to start blogging again because slowly my headspace is getting clogged up with crap again.

Soo - the important things I'm going to cover in this post:

1. Canada
2. Work
3. Tattoo

Canada - previously on here I have talked about having a Canada trip.... so putting plans into motion (even though they are way way in the future) I have made a goal for myself to be ready to move to Canada for a year at least (not just a holiday) by the end of 2011.

After much deliberation I have decided on Vancouver - as it is the British Columbia part of Canada, a huge city with an amazing national park, gay friendly, and a majority of the Canadians there speak English (The further east you go the more people speak French.

Work is interesting at the moment, among a long list of people being fired/quitting/moving on were a few really insanely awesome people.  It is sad to see them go and the job is not the same without them.  I have to keep telling myself that I'm only there for another three months hopefully, and cherish the time with the people there I love while I can. 

Tattoo - remember that post where I talked about getting a tattoo on my wrist?  Yeah that's right the stars with the paths crossing?  BAM!  Done and Dusted - and no regrets, I loved it soo much.  If you ever want to get a tattoo and the only thing stopping you is pain - pft seriously it doesn't hurt that much.  I got it on my wrist which is meant to be a tender spot, sure it stung while I was there but within 5 minutes of finishing you can't remember the pain.

Anyhow my little Wolfies,  I shall let you be for now.

Will hopefully post again either tonight or tomorrow.

^_^

Action Wolfe xx

The first blog after a drought...

You all know I use this as a way for me to sort out my mind...  It is pretty clear about that.  I haven't needed it to lean on lately.  Things haven't been great, that isn't the reason for the lack of commitment to this blog.  Rather I've been quick at sorting out my own issues because I don't want to be that Action Wolfe that is down on himself, sitting in the corner stewing over everything.

The reason I cam back to this blog was because I have just had a sudden realisation.

We all know I would like to fall in love.  If you don't know you haven't read this blog enough.  For the first time in my life I realised I could have been in it.  I could have fallen.  I could have had that connection, even for just a little while, even if it had to be taken to a long distance relationship, it could have happened.  But they were the reason I chose not to allow myself to get attached.

I sat here staring at his msn picture.  Then sudddenly felt like I was punched in the gut.  What could have been?  What did I just purposly miss out on?  Am I that much of a fool not to take a chance to hop on the train and see what destination it takes me?  That is me.  The fool sitting here on the station platform for a train which may never come.  It's too late now.  I can't hop on.  I've missed that window of oportunity.

I almost feel like I need to run away from my life at the moment.  I've been having the biggest urges just to pack up and move.  Not a move as in the one I'm making when I move back to Perth in a few weeks, rather the kind where I drop everything and start a new life.  I think after these six months I may genuinly consider moving states or countries.  There is a whole world out there, a whole world of stations, a whole world of trains to hop on.  I wan't to take a chance.  If I fall on my face from it, so what, at least I took that leap.

xx Action Wolfe

The day that sorted out shit. The shit became poo.

I spent the day sleeping - then went to the art gallery.

This has made me happy, it always clears my head. 

My focus for the next two weeks will be my two exams (one I have to do at least 60% in to pass the unit) and the other I haven't read anything about yet.

My bad - let it all slip at end of semester.  Ah fuck shit happens.

If I don't pass it I'm going to try and organise a "Schools in Context" meets "Childrens Theatre" ISC.  And get a specialized course restructure thingy of head of education.  I'm positive either way.

Snoodle Snoodle.
xx Action Wolfe

The question.

WHAT IF!?*
*I'm so fucking sick of asking that question in my head.

Jigsaw

I have realised that everythin in life is a jigsaw.  Relationships, living arangements, uni courses.... all a part of a bigger jigsaw.  The whole world is this puzzle where I'm not quite sure where I fit.  I want to connect.  I want to be a part of it all.  Yet, Somehow never feel I'm in the right place.  It's because of this I'm going to find where I fit in this.  I'm taking some time out over the next few weeks to just be me.  To not worry about others.  Try to find my place.  Hopefully I will find other jigsaw pieces I fully fit into,  instead of craming myself in where I think I go and pretending it's alright.

Because it's not.

It's really.... really... not.

Poem #12

Familiar.

Two roads did diverge in that wood of yellow.
He was correct.
All along I thought it was a metaphor.
Silly me.
To think I over thought it.

I sat there thinking about which path to actually take.
The one untrodden.
You would think he would make it more obvious.
Identical paths.
In the end I took the path on the left.

I followed it along and felt unhappy suddenly.
The path was yellow.
Yet had no scarecrow joining me to sing along the way.
I looked down.
The path was white and the yellow wood reflected a gold shimmer.

I kept going only to find myself unhappy once again.
I was at a fork.
It looked exactly like the diverge I was at before.
It was the same one.
The path led me in a circle and I feel stupid.

I took the path on the left instead.
Followed it with glee.
Things seemed so familiar that it made my stomach churn.
The path still shimmered.
It gave me comfort that something different might be beyond the bend.

I found myself at the diverge again.
Fuck that poem.
I have learnt from my mistakes and became a better person.
I don't need you.
I felt comfortable at that point with my decision.

I smiled, and took the path on the left.

Hrmmm...

I can't describe how I am feeling at this moment.  I have always wanted that chance.  I never thought it was out there.  Even if it wasn't the right chance, it was still a chance.

I didn't realise it was one.... now it's gone....

Another chance would be nice... who ever is listening.

Make it like a scene from Serendipity.  That would be nice.  A chance encounter.

No.

A second chance encounter.

xx Action Wolfe

Poem #11

You might notice I write poem often... They are because I can get shit off my chest without being direct about what I'm saying.  Yet still express it on here.

I look at you're sillouette.
It's that nothingness that floats through the light.
Everything around you is vivid and detailed.
But you are just empty space.
You are undefined.
Which is expected, but the void stays.
I have got over the others. 
They were shadows, nothing more nothing less.
You are something different.
Untouchable.  Unreachable.
Unpredictable.
Anticipated.
Hypothetical.
Maybe you don't even exist.

xx action wolfe

A weekend.

I had a good night last night.  Very self reflexive drinking.

I was going to write a really long blog.  Decided against it.

So I will say a list of what is happening at the moment.

1. I think I have sorted shit out guys wise in my head.  Starting fresh.  No baggage any more.
2. I am worried about my uni assignments.  Hopefully I get them all done.
3. I think I might have to miss out on pride as Yoh Fest is on that weekend.  I kinda don't wanna miss out on watching my classes on finals.
4. I'm feeling abit distracted and defused.  I don't know why.  It happens every now and then.  Next stage is normally the lost stage so hope it doesn't come to that.
5. I am thinking of starting to volunteer at a local Gay Youth Drop in Centre over the summer for three reasons.  To meet new people.  It's a good cause.  It will give me something to do for two months.

That is all.

xx Action Wolfe