Postsecret triggers soo many thoughts.

Image from www.postsecret.blogspot.com

I love Postsecret, there is no doubt about that.  But every now and then a secret hits close to home and you find yourself reeling back, yet oddly comfortable.  The fact that somewhere, someone in the world has had the exact same thought as you is a powerful piece of knowledge.  

The image above does this for me.  No this isn't going to be a blog about self pity and how upset I am, because I am really not and am really over that situation.... over all three times it has happened.  More this has set me into thinking because I had this exact same line going through my head a week ago.  "If I were more perfect, would he be less straight?" is a chilling thing for a person to think.  I love who I am.  I like that I'm not 'good looking'.  I like the fact I'm not perfect.  I like the fact that I can perfectly keep myself occupied without needing people to entertain me.  I like the fact that while I'm alone and left to my own devices I do odd things.  I like me.  The fact I thought this scared the crap out of me.  If I loved me soo much, why did I think that I wasn't?

Was it a part of the healing process?  Was it a way of telling myself I'm not right for him, so his not right for me?  Was it just so my life opened a can of rhetoric questions nobody can really answer? : P

Whatever way you look at it - it's nice to know someone, somewhere is going through the same things as me.

For now that is all Wolfies, it feels better to be back blogging after the drought.... after a drought.... ^_^

xx Action Wolfe

2010 - So far...

So, I'm not going to start with "Oh my god I'm soo sorry that I haven't posted in...." because to be honest.  I'm not sorry, I just plainly haven't had the time to blog / too much happening in my personal life to have the need to blog.

I wanted to start blogging again because slowly my headspace is getting clogged up with crap again.

Soo - the important things I'm going to cover in this post:

1. Canada
2. Work
3. Tattoo

Canada - previously on here I have talked about having a Canada trip.... so putting plans into motion (even though they are way way in the future) I have made a goal for myself to be ready to move to Canada for a year at least (not just a holiday) by the end of 2011.

After much deliberation I have decided on Vancouver - as it is the British Columbia part of Canada, a huge city with an amazing national park, gay friendly, and a majority of the Canadians there speak English (The further east you go the more people speak French.

Work is interesting at the moment, among a long list of people being fired/quitting/moving on were a few really insanely awesome people.  It is sad to see them go and the job is not the same without them.  I have to keep telling myself that I'm only there for another three months hopefully, and cherish the time with the people there I love while I can. 

Tattoo - remember that post where I talked about getting a tattoo on my wrist?  Yeah that's right the stars with the paths crossing?  BAM!  Done and Dusted - and no regrets, I loved it soo much.  If you ever want to get a tattoo and the only thing stopping you is pain - pft seriously it doesn't hurt that much.  I got it on my wrist which is meant to be a tender spot, sure it stung while I was there but within 5 minutes of finishing you can't remember the pain.

Anyhow my little Wolfies,  I shall let you be for now.

Will hopefully post again either tonight or tomorrow.

^_^

Action Wolfe xx

The first blog after a drought...

You all know I use this as a way for me to sort out my mind...  It is pretty clear about that.  I haven't needed it to lean on lately.  Things haven't been great, that isn't the reason for the lack of commitment to this blog.  Rather I've been quick at sorting out my own issues because I don't want to be that Action Wolfe that is down on himself, sitting in the corner stewing over everything.

The reason I cam back to this blog was because I have just had a sudden realisation.

We all know I would like to fall in love.  If you don't know you haven't read this blog enough.  For the first time in my life I realised I could have been in it.  I could have fallen.  I could have had that connection, even for just a little while, even if it had to be taken to a long distance relationship, it could have happened.  But they were the reason I chose not to allow myself to get attached.

I sat here staring at his msn picture.  Then sudddenly felt like I was punched in the gut.  What could have been?  What did I just purposly miss out on?  Am I that much of a fool not to take a chance to hop on the train and see what destination it takes me?  That is me.  The fool sitting here on the station platform for a train which may never come.  It's too late now.  I can't hop on.  I've missed that window of oportunity.

I almost feel like I need to run away from my life at the moment.  I've been having the biggest urges just to pack up and move.  Not a move as in the one I'm making when I move back to Perth in a few weeks, rather the kind where I drop everything and start a new life.  I think after these six months I may genuinly consider moving states or countries.  There is a whole world out there, a whole world of stations, a whole world of trains to hop on.  I wan't to take a chance.  If I fall on my face from it, so what, at least I took that leap.

xx Action Wolfe

The day that sorted out shit. The shit became poo.

I spent the day sleeping - then went to the art gallery.

This has made me happy, it always clears my head. 

My focus for the next two weeks will be my two exams (one I have to do at least 60% in to pass the unit) and the other I haven't read anything about yet.

My bad - let it all slip at end of semester.  Ah fuck shit happens.

If I don't pass it I'm going to try and organise a "Schools in Context" meets "Childrens Theatre" ISC.  And get a specialized course restructure thingy of head of education.  I'm positive either way.

Snoodle Snoodle.
xx Action Wolfe

The question.

WHAT IF!?*
*I'm so fucking sick of asking that question in my head.

Jigsaw

I have realised that everythin in life is a jigsaw.  Relationships, living arangements, uni courses.... all a part of a bigger jigsaw.  The whole world is this puzzle where I'm not quite sure where I fit.  I want to connect.  I want to be a part of it all.  Yet, Somehow never feel I'm in the right place.  It's because of this I'm going to find where I fit in this.  I'm taking some time out over the next few weeks to just be me.  To not worry about others.  Try to find my place.  Hopefully I will find other jigsaw pieces I fully fit into,  instead of craming myself in where I think I go and pretending it's alright.

Because it's not.

It's really.... really... not.

Poem #12

Familiar.

Two roads did diverge in that wood of yellow.
He was correct.
All along I thought it was a metaphor.
Silly me.
To think I over thought it.

I sat there thinking about which path to actually take.
The one untrodden.
You would think he would make it more obvious.
Identical paths.
In the end I took the path on the left.

I followed it along and felt unhappy suddenly.
The path was yellow.
Yet had no scarecrow joining me to sing along the way.
I looked down.
The path was white and the yellow wood reflected a gold shimmer.

I kept going only to find myself unhappy once again.
I was at a fork.
It looked exactly like the diverge I was at before.
It was the same one.
The path led me in a circle and I feel stupid.

I took the path on the left instead.
Followed it with glee.
Things seemed so familiar that it made my stomach churn.
The path still shimmered.
It gave me comfort that something different might be beyond the bend.

I found myself at the diverge again.
Fuck that poem.
I have learnt from my mistakes and became a better person.
I don't need you.
I felt comfortable at that point with my decision.

I smiled, and took the path on the left.