Change - you have to make mistakes to learn.

Mistakes are what make us. Mistakes are what we learn and grow from. If you don't make mistakes you would be the same person year in year out.

Last night I made a mistake that saw me thinking things I thought I would never think.

Shot, after shot. Other factors. I'm not dumb but should have sat down and thought about it more.

The end of the line is that I ended up paralyzed and helpless for about an hour and a half... not being able to move... not being able to talk.... just looking at the same wooden curtain move back and forth in the wind. Helpless. I started to black out.

It got to the point where I thought two things I would never think:
1) I'm either going to wake up in a hospital bed or not wake up at all
2) I fucking hope there is such a thing as an after life.

That scared the shit out of me. When I started to come around abit more I slowly gained movement of my mouth. slowly my neck. Slowly i could pick up a glass of water - yet I couldn't feel how tight i was holding it.

I realised I had the sambucca I drank all over my jumper and arm... after i drank it all.

Slowly coming too i realised how freaked I was - and tears swelled up - numb. I feel numb. The only way to explain it.

I had a bath and ate some food.... attempting to get out of it all.

I don't know what else to write.

xx Action Wolfe

Ok... euphoric

Even though my world is going a million miles an hour at the moment - I feel the need to blog. All my blogs are more than normally me bitching about the world. I like bitching about the world. I like bitching about my life. Bitching is my forte. Get used to it. But I do promise to be less emo and upset with it all - and just let loose.

Ok - So at the moment... I am happy with myself.

It has been a while I have to admit... and thats not happy with myself in a smug "I'm better than you way." More of a 'Wow - I know my life sucks but I'm so content with it that way. It's been a while. Hence why I am wow. I am at a point where I don't need someone to make me happy - because I am alone and the same. I'm not pinning for it now.

In saying that I'm not taking myself off the market - just... reallocating the importance of being in a relationship. Also in saying that doesn't mean that I'm not invalid to being in the middle of a crush with two people - one who I will never meet and one with somone where there is a spark but I feel nothing will happen. but alas - still happy.

Euphoric... for the moment.

xx Action Wolfe

Alas - I am not dead... well mentally maybe... its mush.

To all the people who have missed me and to all of those who haven't had the pleasure of stumbling across my ramblings - I am sorry that I left on such a dull note.

Originally I was planning on leaving the blog for a week to see how things changed, which is when my computer decided to die, my net connection went walk abouts, prac, rehearsals, performances and exams all hit at once... Alas I am not dead although many of you may have thought it.

Once I get my net restored (later this week) I shall be back on more regulary... kinda like im on all brand for blogging... without darren hinch... if you don't understand that you're lucky. Very lucky.

Toodles for now- I am off.

Le Entry...

I haven't had an entry lately... because... well... I haven't felt like it. All I feel I'm doing is bitching and moaning.
And if I go on I can see it heading that way at the present moment.
FML.

xx Action Wolfe

Not another stupid love blog.

At the moment I have been needing to escape - meet new people - explore - generate new ideas - new friendships - run without stopping - break free - start a new part of my life - experience things I have yet to experience.

I am coming to the slow realization that none of this will happen - well not as of yet anyhow.

I'm sick of being on this side of the fence when tat side is soo much greener. Sure it might not be - but how am I to know. Many people have came back and it's had mixed reviews about it's greenness... I want to experience the fucking lawn for myself!

Yes that was a euphemism, but hey, I feel like I'm about to break and become a diluted version of High School Musical - which is not a good thing.

I have noticed my blogs have been all emo lately - it's a stage I promise - it will go again... hopefully to burn out and die. I suppose it's better its like that then rainbows and butterflys all the time - otherwise I'd have nothing to write about.

Tonight I got drunk with my sister and danced to music, cooked, and are about to watch a horror movie. I've made myself extra drunk so it scares me more.

I'm off.

xx Action Wolfe

Poem #7

I can see.
by Action Wolfe

I could break.
And I will, it's coming.
Waiting for someone to put straw on my back.

I see things.
If you were there, you would know.
It's there and I can feel it but no one else see's it.

He knows it.
He hides it, keeps it in the shadows.
He seems to be sneaky like that which makes me the fool.

Fuck it all.
What, is it worth the pain?
Sometimes I think it could make a brilliant change to this.

Monotony.
It's time for a change, I think.
Just not with the one I expected to change my life with.

xAction Wolfe

A letter to the ones that weren't

I have to write this - and I'm not quite sure why...

I got the sudden urge to when driving from Bunbury today and listening to Missy Higgins.

More for me to get all of it out of my head - instead of just pondering about it on my own.

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Dear #1,
You fucked me over. You made me less confident and uncomfortable with myself without even realizing it. You were the first one I was willing to feel for, to let lose for, to be here for. In one moment, you walked out of the room. In the same moment, lost me in the process. Every time I see you I feel the same things. Every time I see you I want it to work. But it wont. And I'm not saying that because I'm trying to protect myself. More because I'm realistic.
x Action
p.s. Fuck you. You fuck with your head - just the wrong one. Moving on.

Dear #2
You have hardly a clue. So I don't hold it against you at all. The problem I have with you is me. I read to much into things. I thought there was more than there was. I got the semiotics all wrong. Then again I think to myself over what has happened - and I debate whether it was or not. Which fucks me over more. I swear there were signs. One only ytouches and hugs another so many times before it's gay! Stop sitting on the fence.
x Action

Dear #3
Stop being hot. Stop catching my train. Stop me from imagining you as characters in my books, you are my Jacob Black. And that says something. You are a delusion to me. I catch you looking at me on the bust trips, in the ref, when we bump into each other at the shops. You are a constant reminder of someone who I consider perfect.
x Action

Dear #4
Stop writing me notes in class. Stop smiling and initiating jokes about the annoying guy that sits next to us. Stop the wry smile you do. STOP IT. IF ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN I DONT WANT YOU TO BE DOING THIS. If you want it to happen - make a move - I refuse to for so many reasons. Mainly because of what has happened with #1 and #3.

Dear #5
No offence - nothing else will happen. So if every time we meet you think we have a 'connection' don't. I look forward to awkward moments next time we see one another. Wait. I expect them.
x Action

Dear Uni
Fuck off and die - can't wait for this relationship to be over.
x Action

Dear Reader
Comment more - I'm lacking feedback.
x Action

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As you can see I'm in a pretty - lay it on the table type mood. Mainly because many things have happened that have made me think about everyone. FML at the end of the day - at least that's how I feel.

xx Action Wolfe