The Life and Times of Action Wolfe

The Move >> Farewell Blogger

2010-06-25T02:09:00.000+08:00

Dear Wolfies,
I needed a change that blogger could not give me.
I have continued my evolution blogs at:

actionwolfe.wordpress.com

xx

Change.

2010-06-16T13:53:00.000+08:00

So I talked about change in my last blog. The reasonIdidn't really want to talk about it was because I am still coming to terms with a lot in my head.

Within the last 11 days I have had a total health overhaul. I decided enough was enough and have made big advances in where I am with myself. At times now I can see the goals, at times I fears slipping back to where I was. Within 11 days I have lost close to 7 kilos, became a hell of a lot fitter and starting to understand what I was doing wrong within the lifestyle I was living in. It was not healthy, but I learnt to be that way from a young age. In saying that I do not blame the people who brought me up, I love them to pieces, they were doing their best to bring me up strong and healthy. I have to unlearn my bad habbits.

Over the last 2 weeks I have been hit with these sudden realisations of what the old me was like. I had incorrect portion sizes. I had incorrect diatary ideals. I had a lack of enthusiasm for exercise. Now, I am trying to correct all these. Normally weight loss would go slowly and be a long drawn out process, and it should be. But with the help of my doctor I have been able to speed it up. Because it has happened quickly, for the first time I realised how big of an impact 7 kilos can make. Clothes that are baggy on me now were tight two weeks ago. I actually ran last night during my exercise session and enjoyed it. I feel like I'm coming forward in bounds and leaps.

The moment that hit the the worst however, is at my birthday dinner. I watched a member of my family consume a large amount of food. Whilst watching in awe, suddenly realised that was once me. My mother and sister kept asking if I wanted to try some of theirs, or I could finnish their plate for them. That's when it struck. I was a living garbage disposal. I declined. On the way home I had images of me scoffing in the middle of a restraunt and my family just going on with life as if me doing that was normal because they were used to it. On the way home I burst into tears. First sad ones, and then they turned into tears of happiness. I have finally found the power to escape this grasp being overweight has on me.

Sure I have a long way to go, but I believe this time I am going to get there. I am going to enjoy life instead of living behind a facade of happiness. I refuse to go back to the weight that I was, and I refuse to stay at the weight that I am at. No matter how slow or drawn out the process is.

Yes, this blog has a common connection between the posts that is love. This is the post where I tell you that I amn trying to love myself, because where I was at two weeks ago was me being comfortable with myself. But I didn't love me, and if you can't say you love being you your life wont eventuate. Or it will, just a dull and uncolourful version of it.

xx Action Wolfe

Hey Wolfies.

2010-06-10T22:41:00.000+08:00

The reason I haven't blogged in a bit is because I haven't needed to.

I'm going through a self transformation at the moment.

I'm shedding things out of my life that aren't doing me any favors.

Don't worry blogs will keep coming, just need to do this before I start writing again.

xx Action Wolfe

Role of a lifetime.

2010-05-16T16:07:00.000+08:00

"Everything's an act when you're pleasing everyone, but he assumes that role to such renown."

****

"The role of a lifetime is living a fantasy, a battle that you struggle to erase."

*****

Bare - A Rock Musical

This blog is about falling for someone who isn't comparable with you. Which seems to be the error of my ways as of late. Some how I seem to have an avert attraction to straight guys. I could be in a crowd full of gay men, and I'd seamlessly fall for the odd straight guy int he group without hesitation. I don't know whether I go through this subconsciously or whether it's just an act of fate, but it happens every time. The last four guys I have been interested in have all gave off the interested vibe to me - but it's never enough to go further. It's always a more than friends friendship with nothing but lame awkward moments. Awkward moments that are extremely hot, but awkward moments none the less.

At the end of the day if I did fall for a straight guy, it would be a waste of time because:

I refuse to closet myself and have a secret relationship.
I wouldn't want to be the reason someone came out. If their family spazzed out over the idea of their son being gay, I would be the reason their son is gay and that's how they would see it.
I wouldn't want to force someone out of the closet. It's not fair. It's a personal journey people have to accept on their own.

If it did happen with the perfect guy - I'm sure I'd try to endure through it, but they'd have to understand I'm not going to hide myself from the world. It's not like I go around screaming "I'm a faggot - look at my rainbow wear!" But, you know. I don't mind telling people I'm gay - it's who I am and I'm comfortable with it.

Let's see where this all takes me in the long run Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe

Unconditional love.

2010-05-15T15:07:00.000+08:00

It's a frightning thing, the idea that someone can love you for you no matter what you do, say, act, commit.

Unconditional. Under no conditions will anything change how much someone loves you.

Many people in even the strongest relationships have their breaking point. It's where that point is that makes the whole idea of love interesting. At what point does the damage that someone has done to you outweight the love you feel for them? Lets face it, love is a very cruel thing. Coming from someone who has never been in said love, from the outside looking in sometimes I want to slap people. Because lets face it. Love makes people do crazy shit. Other people might not understand, but that balance of love decides whether something is make of break.

What about if you love someone without them feeling the same back? What if you feel soo strongly for someone and they don't love you in return? Why do you keep having the same feeling. Doesn't the hurt of rejection push you to the area of love where bitterness comes from?

Love. The act of love. The emotion of love.

It is all a bit lost on me, yet I hang on to that notion that one day I will find someone who will love me unconditionally.

That's all for now Wolfies.

I've neglected you for 2 weeks, does your love for my posts outweight the annoyance of my ignorance for blogs.

Let's face it you have to live life for a blog to happen.

That's why I haven't written of late. Nothing has triggered me.

xx Action Wolfe

Sorry bout the week.

2010-05-08T21:23:00.000+08:00

There hasn't been any post for a week because I've been intensely ill and haven't had the energy to do anything.

I will post tomorrow after "The Chase", which is like an amazing race around Perth.

Sorry Wolfies.

xxAction Wolfe

That's pretty gay.....

2010-05-01T19:10:00.000+08:00

"Oh won't you bail me out of this rut, I've got myself in once again."

-Pete Murray

Here are the ten reasons I hate being gay:

1) Falling for straight men.
I tend to fall head over heals for "straight" guys who aren't going to come out any time soon. For some reason it is the trending feature in all the guys I end up liking for longer than a few weeks. I keep getting told "You shouldn't be like that with straight guys" but it's not really my choice who I'm attracted to - I just am.

2) Being mistaken as a boyfriend.
Every time I go out with my female friends, whether it is to Zumba (honestly, what straight man would do Zumba) or just out for coffee with people who don't know me it is always assumed I'm dating the girl I'm with. This leads to that awkward moment where you actually explain "Nope, even though I'm not a flip of a girly girl I like the cock. It's true."

3) Sexuality is not gender.
Just because I'm gay people actually EXPECT that I am going to be flamboyant. Believe it or not I don't think sexuality is a key thing that defines someone way of life. It is a label that semantically represents who they are attracted to in a partner.

4) Being referred to as a female.
Ok, so some of my close friends do it as a joke, but it's just that, the know it's a pet peeve and they play on it. If you don't know a gay guy, don't call him "Girlfriend", "Girl", or directly say "You can hang with the chicks because you're not really a man." Believe it or not it does happen on a regular basis. People automatically assume you like to talk about your menstruation patterns and makeup.

5) Being friends with straight guys.
Whenever I take a male friend anywhere with me to a party, people automatically presume it's because something is going on behind the scenes. People, if it was it still isn't any of your business. If it was I'd have told you.

6) Gay men are sluts.
It's true in 97% of cases.

7) Gay men don't believe in monogamy.
I have only found a handful of gay men who believe monogamy is something worth having. I see it as sex comes with a connection, no matter how much you say it was meaningless. It's still fucking someone because your attracted to them. If you weren't you wouldn't fuck them. If you are so strongly connected to someone in a relationship you shouldn't feel the need to go and connect with other men.

8) Gay men aren't meant to be in monogamous relationships because males have higher sex drives.
Fuck off - straight men don't have higher sex drives yet they can resist the urge to get their cocks wet and keep it in their pants. It's a cop out. Seriously.

9) You don't look gay.
Yes, believe it or not some gay guys don't like to dress in high fashioned clothing and go got the gym twice daily. It's like straight people. We come in many different shapes, sizes, colours and backgrounds. It's like saying to a metro-sexual "You don't look straight." They will be offended.

10) Gay men are bitches.
Okay, I can bitch with the best of them. It's true. I'm not going to lie about that, but do you know how much those bitchy little queens annoy me. Sometime when you even just walk past them or get introduced they look at you as if you have just shat on a midget whilst singing the sound of music. Get off you're high horse Mr.Queen. You're a human like us.

Sooo.... that was my 10 reasons why I hate being gay. I know they aren't that big of a deal, but I kinda had that rant in my head for about 20 minutes and decided to jot it down. Most of them intertwine with one another. That's the way life work thought.

I think that's all for now Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe

Love..... and being turned on in the head.... the top head.

2010-04-29T22:53:00.000+08:00

"Write a list of things you need, leave it empty. Except for number one, write love, gamble everything."

-Ben Lee

Soo.... I don't really want to talk about love again, but it's been a topic I talked about last night over red wine with a friend. And we came up with an interesting idea.

We both have had bad choices in people to have relationships with. Our question was 'do we fall in love with the wrong people, plainly because we aren't ready for a full on relationship as of yet?' It's an interesting idea, where our subconscious directs us to the wrong kind of people because we aren't emotionally at the right place to hold a proper relationship.

Another thing that's been talked about is how people are gay. I know I've always known I am deep down, but it's a matter of accepting it and being open with who you are before coming out. My friend questions whether I think it's nature or nurture that causes humans to become homosexual. Whilst I strongly disagree that it is either of these, the reasoning was this. If it was nurture, gay people wouldn't come from many walks of life. It would be from the same types of family and home conditions. On the other hand it can't possibly be nature. If it was genetic, there simply wouldn't be an inclining rate of gay beings because.... obviously.... gay partners can't create children with one another.... and as it would be a recessive gene parenting a child with a straight person would create a straight baby. ^_^ It was an interesting conversation.

The last part of my 24 hours was watching episode one of the second season of Glee. One of the scenes had a new character singing. When someone sings in a certain way I find it very attractive. The only other time I had found it to this extent is Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge. I tried to explain it to my room mate but it was unsuccessful and ended in the sentence "I'm so turned on by that guy rights now. Don't worry I'm not hard. You know what I mean.... Turned on in the head and not the pants?" Yeah.... It ended in an awkward stare. My bad.

Oh well, that is all for now.

Keep on trucking Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe.

Zombied Out.

2010-04-27T22:09:00.001+08:00

Today I woke up tired (as I procrastinated about going to bed again). In effect I was two arm's raised off a zombie. When I'm tired I seem to lack emotions and facial responses.... but I think that's normal. It's like tiredness brings on more 'Meh' than one can handle.

It was a pretty slow day at work today besides a random Karma Sutra book coming into stock, a book about Micheal Phelps that reminded me of Wheezy Waiter, and an awkward conversation about head jobs. Same old stuff really. I love my workplace but slowly the place is going down because there are a few workers there that bring down the team morale. At the same time it's confirmation for me that I wont be working there for the rest of my life - teaching beckons. This prospect excites me.

Another thing that happened today was ZUMBA! Lol. I wasn't expecting to enjoy it so much, but it was a laugh trying to keep up with the class and the pansy ass instructor. As the only male over 20 that wasn't an instructor... I'm pretty sure I shook my booty better than most of the chicks in there. Shaking away my badonkedonk.

I think I'm addicted to twitter... but hey, I suppose it's better than crack at the end of the day. ^_^

Hope all is well Wolfies - How was your day?

xx Action Wolfe

Love, Loooove, Love.

2010-04-26T22:26:00.000+08:00

"She told me 'Son, fear is the heart of love...' and I never looked back."

-I will follow you into the dark, Death Cab for Cutie

For the first time in my life I'm not sitting in my room saying "Oh my god, it would be great if I could meet someone." It's nice. In saying that men are still fucking annoying the shit out of me, but at least it isn't a "I'm so alone I need someone in my life." It's a comfortable stage to be in. A healthy stage to be in.

The one thing I am sick of is logging onto facebook and seeing couples complaining how much they miss their other halves when they have only been separated like one day... and they don't even live together. Okay, okay, I understand that kinda breaks the view that I'm a romantic guy. But seriously. It is 24 hours people... grow up and stop acting like a love addicted 17 year old girl.

I understand the love is a power force between two people - but where are the boundaries. Are the lines blurred? Is love great until it starts to affect every other aspect of our life? Is there a line where one says enough is enough, or is the addiction to great to come down off? Rhetoric questions again?

^_^

Love, I suppose it is different for everyone.

Goodnight Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe

Postsecret triggers soo many thoughts.

2010-04-26T00:58:00.000+08:00

Image from www.postsecret.blogspot.com

I love Postsecret, there is no doubt about that. But every now and then a secret hits close to home and you find yourself reeling back, yet oddly comfortable. The fact that somewhere, someone in the world has had the exact same thought as you is a powerful piece of knowledge.

The image above does this for me. No this isn't going to be a blog about self pity and how upset I am, because I am really not and am really over that situation.... over all three times it has happened. More this has set me into thinking because I had this exact same line going through my head a week ago. "If I were more perfect, would he be less straight?" is a chilling thing for a person to think. I love who I am. I like that I'm not 'good looking'. I like the fact I'm not perfect. I like the fact that I can perfectly keep myself occupied without needing people to entertain me. I like the fact that while I'm alone and left to my own devices I do odd things. I like me. The fact I thought this scared the crap out of me. If I loved me soo much, why did I think that I wasn't?

Was it a part of the healing process? Was it a way of telling myself I'm not right for him, so his not right for me? Was it just so my life opened a can of rhetoric questions nobody can really answer? : P

Whatever way you look at it - it's nice to know someone, somewhere is going through the same things as me.

For now that is all Wolfies, it feels better to be back blogging after the drought.... after a drought.... ^_^

xx Action Wolfe

2010 - So far...

2010-04-25T08:26:00.000+08:00

So, I'm not going to start with "Oh my god I'm soo sorry that I haven't posted in...." because to be honest. I'm not sorry, I just plainly haven't had the time to blog / too much happening in my personal life to have the need to blog.

I wanted to start blogging again because slowly my headspace is getting clogged up with crap again.

Soo - the important things I'm going to cover in this post:

Canada
Work
Tattoo

Canada - previously on here I have talked about having a Canada trip.... so putting plans into motion (even though they are way way in the future) I have made a goal for myself to be ready to move to Canada for a year at least (not just a holiday) by the end of 2011.

After much deliberation I have decided on Vancouver - as it is the British Columbia part of Canada, a huge city with an amazing national park, gay friendly, and a majority of the Canadians there speak English (The further east you go the more people speak French.

Work is interesting at the moment, among a long list of people being fired/quitting/moving on were a few really insanely awesome people. It is sad to see them go and the job is not the same without them. I have to keep telling myself that I'm only there for another three months hopefully, and cherish the time with the people there I love while I can.

Tattoo - remember that post where I talked about getting a tattoo on my wrist? Yeah that's right the stars with the paths crossing? BAM! Done and Dusted - and no regrets, I loved it soo much. If you ever want to get a tattoo and the only thing stopping you is pain - pft seriously it doesn't hurt that much. I got it on my wrist which is meant to be a tender spot, sure it stung while I was there but within 5 minutes of finishing you can't remember the pain.

Anyhow my little Wolfies, I shall let you be for now.

Will hopefully post again either tonight or tomorrow.

^_^

Action Wolfe xx

The first blog after a drought...

2010-01-04T12:47:00.000+08:00

You all know I use this as a way for me to sort out my mind... It is pretty clear about that. I haven't needed it to lean on lately. Things haven't been great, that isn't the reason for the lack of commitment to this blog. Rather I've been quick at sorting out my own issues because I don't want to be that Action Wolfe that is down on himself, sitting in the corner stewing over everything.

The reason I cam back to this blog was because I have just had a sudden realisation.

We all know I would like to fall in love. If you don't know you haven't read this blog enough. For the first time in my life I realised I could have been in it. I could have fallen. I could have had that connection, even for just a little while, even if it had to be taken to a long distance relationship, it could have happened. But they were the reason I chose not to allow myself to get attached.

I sat here staring at his msn picture. Then sudddenly felt like I was punched in the gut. What could have been? What did I just purposly miss out on? Am I that much of a fool not to take a chance to hop on the train and see what destination it takes me? That is me. The fool sitting here on the station platform for a train which may never come. It's too late now. I can't hop on. I've missed that window of oportunity.

I almost feel like I need to run away from my life at the moment. I've been having the biggest urges just to pack up and move. Not a move as in the one I'm making when I move back to Perth in a few weeks, rather the kind where I drop everything and start a new life. I think after these six months I may genuinly consider moving states or countries. There is a whole world out there, a whole world of stations, a whole world of trains to hop on. I wan't to take a chance. If I fall on my face from it, so what, at least I took that leap.

xx Action Wolfe

The day that sorted out shit. The shit became poo.

2009-11-12T15:37:00.000+08:00

I spent the day sleeping - then went to the art gallery.

This has made me happy, it always clears my head.

My focus for the next two weeks will be my two exams (one I have to do at least 60% in to pass the unit) and the other I haven't read anything about yet.

My bad - let it all slip at end of semester. Ah fuck shit happens.

If I don't pass it I'm going to try and organise a "Schools in Context" meets "Childrens Theatre" ISC. And get a specialized course restructure thingy of head of education. I'm positive either way.

Snoodle Snoodle.
xx Action Wolfe

The question.

2009-11-12T01:01:00.000+08:00

WHAT IF!?*
*I'm so fucking sick of asking that question in my head.

Jigsaw

2009-11-08T15:40:00.000+08:00

I have realised that everythin in life is a jigsaw. Relationships, living arangements, uni courses.... all a part of a bigger jigsaw. The whole world is this puzzle where I'm not quite sure where I fit. I want to connect. I want to be a part of it all. Yet, Somehow never feel I'm in the right place. It's because of this I'm going to find where I fit in this. I'm taking some time out over the next few weeks to just be me. To not worry about others. Try to find my place. Hopefully I will find other jigsaw pieces I fully fit into, instead of craming myself in where I think I go and pretending it's alright.

Because it's not.

It's really.... really... not.

Poem #12

2009-11-03T00:48:00.001+08:00

Familiar.

Two roads did diverge in that wood of yellow.
He was correct.
All along I thought it was a metaphor.
Silly me.
To think I over thought it.

I sat there thinking about which path to actually take.
The one untrodden.
You would think he would make it more obvious.
Identical paths.
In the end I took the path on the left.

I followed it along and felt unhappy suddenly.
The path was yellow.
Yet had no scarecrow joining me to sing along the way.
I looked down.
The path was white and the yellow wood reflected a gold shimmer.

I kept going only to find myself unhappy once again.
I was at a fork.
It looked exactly like the diverge I was at before.
It was the same one.
The path led me in a circle and I feel stupid.

I took the path on the left instead.
Followed it with glee.
Things seemed so familiar that it made my stomach churn.
The path still shimmered.
It gave me comfort that something different might be beyond the bend.

I found myself at the diverge again.
Fuck that poem.
I have learnt from my mistakes and became a better person.
I don't need you.
I felt comfortable at that point with my decision.

I smiled, and took the path on the left.

Hrmmm...

2009-10-19T23:10:00.000+08:00

I can't describe how I am feeling at this moment. I have always wanted that chance. I never thought it was out there. Even if it wasn't the right chance, it was still a chance.

I didn't realise it was one.... now it's gone....

Another chance would be nice... who ever is listening.

Make it like a scene from Serendipity. That would be nice. A chance encounter.

No.

A second chance encounter.

xx Action Wolfe

Poem #11

2009-10-12T23:22:00.001+08:00

You might notice I write poem often... They are because I can get shit off my chest without being direct about what I'm saying. Yet still express it on here.

I look at you're sillouette.
It's that nothingness that floats through the light.
Everything around you is vivid and detailed.
But you are just empty space.
You are undefined.
Which is expected, but the void stays.
I have got over the others.
They were shadows, nothing more nothing less.
You are something different.
Untouchable. Unreachable.
Unpredictable.
Anticipated.
Hypothetical.
Maybe you don't even exist.

xx action wolfe

A weekend.

2009-10-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

I had a good night last night. Very self reflexive drinking.

I was going to write a really long blog. Decided against it.

So I will say a list of what is happening at the moment.

I think I have sorted shit out guys wise in my head. Starting fresh. No baggage any more.
I am worried about my uni assignments. Hopefully I get them all done.
I think I might have to miss out on pride as Yoh Fest is on that weekend. I kinda don't wanna miss out on watching my classes on finals.
I'm feeling abit distracted and defused. I don't know why. It happens every now and then. Next stage is normally the lost stage so hope it doesn't come to that.
I am thinking of starting to volunteer at a local Gay Youth Drop in Centre over the summer for three reasons. To meet new people. It's a good cause. It will give me something to do for two months.

That is all.

xx Action Wolfe

Poem #10

2009-10-05T01:03:00.001+08:00

Time Out Time Up

I am going to be try to keep it together.
This time out has been what I needed.
~~I know I will be strong.~~
After all it wont be bad. ~~It will confirm things for me.~~
~~When I see you your eyes will melt me.~~
When I look at you it will be cold. ~~Vivid.~~
I'm going to know that there is something else to look forward to ~~with us.~~
~~Nothing will ever happen.~~
Nothing will ever happen.
I will smile, just to show everyone I'm fine.
No one will know that inside I'm tearing up. No one will know that I'm hurt.
~~If they knew they would understand.~~
~~I have to move on.~~
I NEED to move on.
In a different time, a different place ~~it might have worked.~~
I don't know if I'm trying to lie to myself to make it better, or because I truely believe it could happen.
~~I hate you.~~
I hate these feelings.
~~I don't want to see your face again.~~
At least that's what I tell people.
Secretly my heart races again.
That is what I hate the most.

That is pretty gay....

2009-09-29T00:20:00.000+08:00

Ok. So gay dating sites are pretty smutt ridden. It's really rare to actually find someone who isn't just after a quick boink at theirs, at yours, or in a public restroom on the riverside. This post is for the gay guys who write things on dating sites that I find comical. This isn't pulling the piss out of gay men - as I am gay. And it is not pulling the piss out of men who like sex - please fuck anyone you want, doesn't change my life. Rather it is just by pulling these out from the dating web and putting them out from the smutt and onto this *cough* wholesome *cough* blog will make my night.

IMAGE FROM "SLAP UPSIDE THE HEAD"

http://www.slapupsidethehead.com/

(Check the site out.)

Whilst I was trying to figure out if a guy was a top or a bottom (if he gives or takes, fyi to those straighties out there) coz I thought he was cute I got to this sentence.

A first date would ideally have some lingering stares, many laughs, and my skin burning where you accidentally touched me, ending with a taunting promise of many more...
Bottom. Oh well. A msg was sent just incase he was a top and just a tad bit poofy in his writing.

Then in comes a msg from a 26year old straight guy.

hi would you like a massage? i live not to far away from you and i hope you would enjoy the massage from me.. let me know if your keen

Sometimes you need to be able to translate over used terms. Example:

I am looking for Mr right, but will settle for Mr Right know!!!

Can be loosely translated into "I believe in love, but alas I am a slut"... then there are the ones that boarder onto erotic literature.

Dude, I love a good jerkoff. Whether rubbin out a fast one at the gym or a leisurely stroke-a-thon layin in bed. Just thinkin about past sex or smellin some hottie at the gym after he worked out, makes my boy jump to life. You know I gotta take care of it before too long. Pullin my shirt up over my head and slingin my boxers under my simmerin nuts, my plump boy waves drunkenly. I sniff my pit. Fuk yeah! My co...

Um... yeah I will stop that one there coz it just gets more detailed.

At the end of the day laughing at most of these profiles is the reason I like being on dating sites. It makes me smile reading these. I doubt I will ever find someone worth while on them, date wise, but I stay on them... who knows.... one day.... at least I get a laugh from them.

xx Action Wolfe

Oh. I get him. "Straight". Wonder if that includes a happy ending or not. No reply.

Friday - Groundhog Day

2009-09-25T23:26:00.000+08:00

Today was the end of the biggest prac I have been on. As insane and tiring as it was, I loved every fucking minute of it. You have no idea how much a felt in place at that school teaching, and the kids were just brilliant... even though at times they were snotty and hormonal, but it comes with the teritory. I decided I wasn't going to shed any tears. Just before lunch I got the sterotypical box of chocolates out to say thankyou. Then said the corniest shit I have ever said, but at the same time actually meant it.

"I came into this prac expecting to have a mentor by the end of it, I didn't expect that I'd gain a friend out of it."

Yes. those words came out of my mouth. But they are true. As soon asI said that we both teared up and started to head towards class. It sounds soo fucking lame. But at least my mentor teacher had grown to like me being there every day just as much as I enjoyed being there. The kids all signed cards, cards that sung, and two of the classess (my favourite two from the start) got me some small gifts, which I will cherish. The other day someone said to me:

"You always remember you're prac kids, they're the kids that turn you into the teacher you are."

It will be interesting to get my own classes I think. I kinda can't wait.

On the way home I got all watery eyed - yes yes. I am a punce. When I got home I found my Ipod, threw it on. I haven't updated it in around 2 years and don't use it often. Suddenly 7 songs in a row came on that I just couldn't be upset anymore. Songs are like gateways to me soul sometimes. It just so happens, that on shuffle, 7 "happy" songs came on.

I call certain songs "happy songs"... because they lift me into a good mood.

1. Shut Up - Black Eyed Peas
2. Icecream - Peaches
3. Come so far - Hairspray Cast
4. Hotel Song - Regina Spektor
5. But It's Better If You Do - Panic! at the Disco
6. Mr. Jones - Counting Crows
7. What a Great Night- Hilltop Hoods
Then the battery died.

xx Action Wolfe

I have a new blog that will run along side this one...

2009-09-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

... it is focused on the quotes I hear each day - the ones that make me smile.

Check it out. This will be a nice little place to have a giggle once in a while.

: P

http://littlequotesbiglife.blogspot.com/

xx Action Wolfe

The bad part of life is being awake...

2009-09-10T21:24:00.002+08:00

I've been having this dream lately... everything is perfect in it. I have always said all I want from life is to be truly happy. In this dream I am. I love being in this dream. I could easily stay in it.

Then I wake up.... and slowly come to the realisation that what I had dreamt was fabulous. That it was euphoric. I could easily have been smiling my whole sleep.

I hate the morning at the moment. Mainly because I have to come back to reality.

I'm in a rutt.

That rutt is this.

I want to find happiness... in whatever form it comes in.

I am a happy person... but a lot of it doesn't go past skin deep.

xx Action Wolfe

Once upon a time - revised...

2009-08-31T18:26:00.002+08:00

For once.... in a very long while.... I think I feel balanced...

Ok... that sounds weird- but normally I'm either manically happy or secretly down. But somehow I think prac has helped me immensly. For once I am happy to wake up to the challenge of the day, for once I'm not worried about whay lies around the corner, for once I'm not worried about people and making sure I please everyone. It has kind of been like this little personal project of this prac has made me happy with myself. Sure there have been ups and downs with off nights - but it's nice to know that a majority of the time I'm more than happy with what I'm doing each day.

I've stopped worrying about what has happened in the past. I have stopped worrying about what I really wanted and couldn't get. I have started to have new ideas, goals,thoughts. It's almost like this.... "new"... Action enjoys everything more.

The one thing that I still have to fix to make happy is now my next work in progress.... and the wheels have started to begin those motions - just a matter of time.

xx Action Wolfe

This song is like my bible...

2009-08-25T01:23:00.003+08:00

...and it makes more sense than the bible to me.
I do not believe this happened - the morals behind it are what I love.
xx Action wolfe

Poem #9

2009-08-17T23:19:00.003+08:00

COPY
He looked exactly like you,
Smiled exactly like you,
Made eye contact exactly like you,
except he was not as rough as you.

It confused me. Don't get me wrong, nothing happened.
He just.... was different.
I still think about you, hence why I reeled back when I saw him.
I still think what a tool I was for having hope.

I'm not making an effort to contact him.
Why? Because of you.
I am scared that I am only just going to be thinking of him after nothing happens.
I am scared that both of you will be on my mind.

You are like twins, but your rough around the edges.
His nice... so are you.
But both in different kind of ways. He is appreciated by more people than just I.
You... you have this thing about you that I seem to only see.

I really don't get it either.
Lost. That's where I'm at.
Lost in this emptiness that has been here for years.
I miss not feeling like this. Not feeling like I'm not complete.

To be honest... the copy...
Part of me, Part of me wanted to go there.
Even though he wouldn't fill in the void at least there would be something there.
One day someone will replace you and understand how much they impact me life.

No more footsies...
Infact, next time I see you it will be cold.
I will say hi but there will be no more moments for us for me to second guess.
No more moments for you to pretend and carry on that facade.

You know that ur bad day has turned good when...

2009-08-12T20:37:00.002+08:00

I have a theory. If I wake up in a bad mood, my day will normally be plain.

The only thing that counteracts these days is if Matt Passmore is on playschool... I get to watch TV with charlie and get thouroughly entertained at the same time.

Today I woke up from 5 hours of sleep feeling like absolute SHIT! Then had to babysit charlie while my sister went to the gym. I was not impressed. So I cooked some eggs n sat down with her and THERE WAS MATT PASSMORE PLAYING WITH BIG TED!

So I had a good day. Proves the theory right. There should be more Matt Passmore orientated shows on television. Underbelly, Last Man Standing, Mcleods Daughters and Play school just simply are not enough!

xx Action Wolfe

Close to home...

2009-08-10T00:50:00.002+08:00

I found myself watching musicals on youtube again. Eating away my internet credit. But it makes me feel whole sometimes. So it doesn't bother me.

Then I listened to The Roll of a Lifetime from Bare... and found myself with tears running down my face. Not because the songs brilliant, which it is, but rather because if you took the lyrics from the plays context and put it into mine it fits with how I feel at times.

There are people that come into your life that you just can't shake.

Why can't I just shake you away. It annoys me. My hopes arn't all on you.

Yet you don't disappear from my mind.

Strange ponder...

2009-08-07T14:35:00.002+08:00

I was looking at a desktop on one of the uni computers - the over photo shopped one with the green rolling hill and blue sky... then It all of a sudden hit me. Is there such a hill like this left in the world. A hill... made of just grass.... with NOTHING on it, or have humans totally fucked over every single one on the face of this planet. When I say nothing... I mean no tree's either (which isn't our fault - but I feel like blaming us anyway.)

Little things like this make me second guess the world around me - whether I will ever see a vision like that with my own eyes. Yes what we have made is a beautiful adaptation of the original world... from a postmodern perspective... but is there anything natural any more? Anything NOT affected by humans in any way.

It makes me ponder a lot.... What will kids in three generations time see the world as?\

xx Action Wolfe

Where I'm at at the moment...

2009-08-04T20:50:00.002+08:00

Well...

I had a moment today where I suddenly thought "The best parts of my life are still to come." Then realised that so many older people say "I had the best days of my life at your age." I really do think some thing is coming - I have said it for years. But I'm worried that I'm taking everything for granted whilst waiting for those days. I think it is more to do with my career. I'm sick of being a struggling uni student... and at the moment I really am struggling. I just want to get out of uni and start fresh. I can't wait to tackle new challenges and new places and new adventures, not just physically but mentally.

I want to go out and do things with my friends - just uni keeps getting in the way. I think it's going to be that semester where I let people down without meaning to. It's just not possible for me to do what I need to do, whilst have a brilliant social life, and also keep myself sane.

Not happy... but still waiting for that to change.

xx Action Wolfe

These days go on.

2009-07-30T23:38:00.002+08:00

At the moment all I wanna do is be somewhere else.

I don't know where when or why. I just feel useless where I am at this point.

I'm tired, emotional, and need some space and time alone I think.

I want to escape. That's where I wanna go.

I feel like I'm searching for a needle in a hay stack constantly, yet all I can think of are all these other needles that just wont work for what I need them for.

Square peg, round hole. Old fruit. Whatever metaphore you can plug to this.

I need wine.

xx Action Wolfe

United states of Adam... I mean Tara...

2009-07-29T22:33:00.002+08:00

I watched the first episode of "The United States of Tara" tonight. Fuck it was a good show. Not because it was a show that is popular - rather because it was drama and comedy well combined with a storyline that is fresh. For those who don't know it its about a mother called Tara (Toni Colet) who when under stress snaps into 'Alters' (Alter-Ego's). It's done in a serious mannor - but the jokes are made so they blend in well.

It got me thinking about my Gemini side and when each comes out. All gemini's have two sides. I deffinately do and can feel them both. One is happy and outgoing - the other is sad and depressed... one of them writes on this blog more. Not saying I have a split personality, but deffinatly two modes. Now I have a third - teacher mode. I feel different when I'm teaching, its nice.

I get supervised for prac in the morning - for the first time I'm not freaking out about the supervisor watching. It's because I know Drama, I know my class super well, and I just feel comfortable with the lot.

xx Action Wolfe

Because I'm on prac... poo.

2009-07-27T22:56:00.003+08:00

I seem to be liking short posts atm. Shorter than my nromal posts and logger than twitter *shakes fist*.

Prac is brilliant. Like - couldn't have been more perfect a place for me to go. Still stuffed and fucked over like every other prac I have been on - but boy, I know I am going to enjoy being a drama teacher. Positive vibes ahoy.

As for the personal life that occurs outside of prac time....

I had a feeling, lost a feeling, thought of the feeling, realised the feeling was their and then realised he haddn't noticed it... hrm... thats different. This feeling is not love or lust. So don't think that. It was that feeling inside your stomach that churns and tells you something big is coming (in life that is... not a poo). That foreboding effect, like god is going to dump something on your door step. Fuck. Everything I write sounds like im talking about poo! FFS. haha.

There might be a nice metaphore to this.

Love - life changing...
Poo - foreboding presence in your stomach, sometimes confused as butterflies...
love - idealistic...
poo - brown and sticky...

yeah this isn't working.... love = poo anyway. Not poetic devices needed to say that.

At this point - I shall draw your attention to http://www.heptune.com/poopword.html

I quite like brown trout, bum brownie and Tom Cruise Missiles...

ne ways- bed time :D

Good place to leave on that note.

xx Action Wolfe

A note to my brain

2009-07-24T01:57:00.002+08:00

I really want this... and i can't explain it... but wow I want it... it is insane...

... and coming from a 21 year old male its quite sad!

And i refuse to call her the wicked witch... its elphaba...

xx Action Wolfe

New comp look....

2009-07-13T00:44:00.003+08:00

I decided to change my computer desktop - so I searched for around an hour and a half - and found this one which I quite like.

Explains how I feel some of the time without words. And thats something people need at times.

xx Action Wolfe

Love: the harsh game of life.

2009-07-12T11:38:00.002+08:00

Well... I had some pondering time last night for about an hour after drinking with a few good friends... I was thinking about love and how its luck of the draw if you meet the right person.

What sucks about love is that there is no place for runner up. If you come second best in this game you are left with nothing, but to search for another game. No chest pin, no awards, no redemption for the time you spent playing.

You either win or you lose... more than often you lose.

I think these thoughts were stiked from my last post... just jad a few lines of it running around in my head. It's a game where a majority of it is waiting... unless your a fag fag... then its waiting and meaningless sex - which doesn't quite fit my criteria.

xx Action wolfe

Poem #8 (why? because I feel like it!)

2009-07-08T23:30:00.005+08:00

The way things are

"The way things are will stay" said the holy man.

He wore a dishcloth and a soiled pair of boxers,

but this did not make him no less holy.

"Change will come to those who wait" he prophesied.

We all walked past him and avoided eye contact,

we veered where we walked to dodge the old man.

"When we are happy we get what we want" he continued.

It amused me that even though no one listened,

he still babbled his words and believes them himself.

"For how can we love someone else," he paused.

He saw me gazing at him from across the walkway,

I pretended to not realise and eat my sandwich.

"that is when we will find our other half." he finished.

He smiled as if his chores were done for the day,

packing up his chair and sheet he walked away.

"But how long must we wait" I called to him.

He just averted his gaze and continued on,

veering his path so it didn't cross mine.

"How long must I, we, wait?" I asked the next day.

His stare sat on me for a short while,

he smiled because he finally had a follower.

"It is as long as it takes for you to be happy with yourself." he replied.

I don't understand what he meant,

was he being cryptic on purpose.

"How will I know that I'm happy?" I retorted.

His smile wiped from his face,

as if I had sinned the greatest sin alive.

"If you don't know what happiness is," he quietly whispered.

He stood up and he was not much shorter than I was,

his hand placed itself on my shoulder.

"...then you will be euphoric when you find it." he chortled.

I still question the meaning of happiness,

and still wonder why I had not found it.

Hrmmm... take two & a half? is that what you would call it?

2009-07-07T22:55:00.002+08:00

Ok... so I got half of what I planned done.

I didn't go to perth. To be plain and simple I woke up late and couldn't be fuckeroonied.

But alas- I did go to the shops and buy a pretty vase and some orange rocks for the sea monkeys I intend to farm and use to wreck havoc upon the world... untill global warming kills them off any way(FYI: Seamonkeys don't like direct sunlight).

Side track from the originalpost for one second. Life is cruel. Seamonkeys DIE in direct sunlight. What do they eat? Alge! Where does Alge grow?? DIRECT SUNLIGHT! I mean what kind of cruel idea is it to have an animal which eats where it is deadly to... WHILST IN A CONTAINER BEING OOGLED AT BY SMALL CHILDREN. It's just.... insane... let alone the fact that you can get sea monkey watches now that carry sea monkeys in it. I know they are only shrimp but isn't it cruel to attach a life animal in a case and put it on a childs wrist? I know how scratched my watches get from me mucking around let alone a small child.

Ok.... back to what I was originally saying...

Tomorrow I'm filling out forms and doing a road trip to uni and back... but need a day to myself. So am taking a book, and may even read on the foreshore if it doesn't piss down with rain.... bet it does.

On this note I shall leave you with a picture of what a Sea Monkey actually looks like as many people go "that looks nothing like a monkey" the first time they see them. But mine will be like the upper class sea monkeys from the west side - having safety from small children and direct sunlight whilst gaining heat from my bedside lamp.

On that note.... Ciao.

xx Action Wolfe

Ok ok - Tomorrow... Take two.

2009-07-06T22:57:00.003+08:00

Nothing I planned got done today. Not even my washing which in the back of my mind needed doing badly. I did wake up early however. 8 oclock.... which is early-ish for me. Then went "screw it I want another half hour". I then proceeded to sleep for a half hour and woke up at 12.30. Too late to go to perth as I had a coffee schedualled with Christie.

No forms for myself.

No time out from it all.

No wacked out container for my sea monkeys.

No photo of a view for you to see.

I need to get out. I refuse to lounge around the house for the rest of the week - I need to get off my fucking arse and fill out forms, do the washing and take a trip to perth tomorrow. I don't care what time - it has all GOT to be done.

I want to be in one of my moods where I look at everything and its just beautiful. It doesn't happen often but sometimes I drive along in my car and everything just looks perfect - even ugly things are perfect in their own way. I know that saying that makes me sound tossy - but moments like that actually happen in my mind, and it somewhat takes me away for a moment.

At the moment tho - I just feel there has got to be something more. I can feel something big coming my way but its just taking its mother fucking time getting here. Honestly over it.

Untill it does I refuse to be the person who sits on the curb and watch his life drive past on a bus then yell "HEY!! COME BACK!!" Only to have it wave at me with a smug look on its face going "Yeah that right... fucking dousch." I'd probably reply in a way that is something along the lines of "Yeah... well... I don't need you any way" and then it would do that thing where the centre of its eyebrows raise and look at me as if to say what the fuck, you call that a comeback? and by the time I can say anything else the bus is too far ahead of me to yell anymore.

I miss having rants like that - I should have them more.

xx Action Wolfe

Oh - and back to that place again....

2009-07-05T22:11:00.002+08:00

Well... as some of you may know I seem to go through phases. I go from on top of the world to feeling like crap about myself about once every 2 months. Last time it happened I got stuck here for a while - but I'm planning on using rope to get out of this rutt. I'm not staying here and I refuse to, and if I don't the world wont have the brilliant Action Wolfe to wake up to each day... they will have the Action Wolfe that sleeps all his time aways and wished things were different.

To eeerrr it to be human - but what does it mean to constantly doubt yourself?

I don't know - tomorrow I plan to have a day where I go out and just see the world for abit on my own. I need time on my own when I get like this but maybe being out and about will help me. I have a few errands to do at uni - and I wish to find a cool looking vase to grow seamonkeys in... which is weird but I have been wanting to do it for a while. I also wanna go to a place where I can sit on grass and read or just stare at the views for a while. I ahve a few places in mind but haven't picked one out quite yet. Might take a few pictures on my camera of where I find and post them up here tomorrow night. Show you what helped me in my day of self advisory.

I have started to write a new book... it is a bit askew... but I like it in its own morbid little way. It sounds so shit but for some reason books that sound shit when you describe them and are well written and interesting amuse me. So I try for ideas that sound tacky and lame, but give them enough power in their own capability to become beautiful pieces of art. Every idea must not be thrown away because others think its lame - I havn't read the book that got me onto the idea, but it wont be anything like that. It was a mixture of a genre and a mixture of my own experiences in the last two weeks that got me to it.

I will fill you in on how tomorrow goes.

xx Aciton Wolfe

A whole new world...

2009-07-02T11:18:00.002+08:00

Life is never simple. Life is life, and life is a bitch.

I've always stood by the notion of wanting my life to be a disney movie...

... Ive got a prince on the horizon. Wait... a disney prince. One that doen't know I exist but I have been worshipping for so long. Where is my magic carpet and tickertape parade? Do I have to organise this myself or do disney just know where the magic will happen and organise it for me? Do I have to facebook them a memo when I need it or do they have some kind of childhood using magic machine to decide who is worth or not?

I want a magic carpet to solve all my relationship problems. One ride. It will fix it all.

The one thing that dispells me from wanting a disney life is the notion of "happily ever after".

What the fuck is happily ever after? Is life just euphoric all the times... or is there still going to be times where I struggle to pay the bills and have to pay off my car loan? Because that still isn't really happily ever after... thats happy most of the time after - that is if the love holds out and we don't get bored of each other... fucking disney. How can it be happily ever after is there is always a sequel where something bad happens.... thats not happily ever after. Thats happily untill the next movie. I don't want a "Action Wolfe II - The prince gets dumped but finds a new fella".

Love.... it just is. I've said it many times before.

Still.... even if it wasn't happily ever after... it would be fun while it lasts....

Dear disney - bring me a prince... and a magic carpet... and music, lots of music.

xx Action Wolfe

Change - you have to make mistakes to learn.

2009-06-28T11:11:00.002+08:00

Mistakes are what make us. Mistakes are what we learn and grow from. If you don't make mistakes you would be the same person year in year out.

Last night I made a mistake that saw me thinking things I thought I would never think.

Shot, after shot. Other factors. I'm not dumb but should have sat down and thought about it more.

The end of the line is that I ended up paralyzed and helpless for about an hour and a half... not being able to move... not being able to talk.... just looking at the same wooden curtain move back and forth in the wind. Helpless. I started to black out.

It got to the point where I thought two things I would never think:
1) I'm either going to wake up in a hospital bed or not wake up at all
2) I fucking hope there is such a thing as an after life.

That scared the shit out of me. When I started to come around abit more I slowly gained movement of my mouth. slowly my neck. Slowly i could pick up a glass of water - yet I couldn't feel how tight i was holding it.

I realised I had the sambucca I drank all over my jumper and arm... after i drank it all.

Slowly coming too i realised how freaked I was - and tears swelled up - numb. I feel numb. The only way to explain it.

I had a bath and ate some food.... attempting to get out of it all.

I don't know what else to write.

xx Action Wolfe

Ok... euphoric

2009-06-18T16:57:00.002+08:00

Even though my world is going a million miles an hour at the moment - I feel the need to blog. All my blogs are more than normally me bitching about the world. I like bitching about the world. I like bitching about my life. Bitching is my forte. Get used to it. But I do promise to be less emo and upset with it all - and just let loose.

Ok - So at the moment... I am happy with myself.

It has been a while I have to admit... and thats not happy with myself in a smug "I'm better than you way." More of a 'Wow - I know my life sucks but I'm so content with it that way. It's been a while. Hence why I am wow. I am at a point where I don't need someone to make me happy - because I am alone and the same. I'm not pinning for it now.

In saying that I'm not taking myself off the market - just... reallocating the importance of being in a relationship. Also in saying that doesn't mean that I'm not invalid to being in the middle of a crush with two people - one who I will never meet and one with somone where there is a spark but I feel nothing will happen. but alas - still happy.

Euphoric... for the moment.

xx Action Wolfe

Alas - I am not dead... well mentally maybe... its mush.

2009-06-10T14:08:00.003+08:00

To all the people who have missed me and to all of those who haven't had the pleasure of stumbling across my ramblings - I am sorry that I left on such a dull note.

Originally I was planning on leaving the blog for a week to see how things changed, which is when my computer decided to die, my net connection went walk abouts, prac, rehearsals, performances and exams all hit at once... Alas I am not dead although many of you may have thought it.

Once I get my net restored (later this week) I shall be back on more regulary... kinda like im on all brand for blogging... without darren hinch... if you don't understand that you're lucky. Very lucky.

Toodles for now- I am off.

Le Entry...

2009-05-01T21:06:00.002+08:00

I haven't had an entry lately... because... well... I haven't felt like it. All I feel I'm doing is bitching and moaning.
And if I go on I can see it heading that way at the present moment.
FML.

xx Action Wolfe

Not another stupid love blog.

2009-04-24T20:57:00.002+08:00

At the moment I have been needing to escape - meet new people - explore - generate new ideas - new friendships - run without stopping - break free - start a new part of my life - experience things I have yet to experience.

I am coming to the slow realization that none of this will happen - well not as of yet anyhow.

I'm sick of being on this side of the fence when tat side is soo much greener. Sure it might not be - but how am I to know. Many people have came back and it's had mixed reviews about it's greenness... I want to experience the fucking lawn for myself!

Yes that was a euphemism, but hey, I feel like I'm about to break and become a diluted version of High School Musical - which is not a good thing.

I have noticed my blogs have been all emo lately - it's a stage I promise - it will go again... hopefully to burn out and die. I suppose it's better its like that then rainbows and butterflys all the time - otherwise I'd have nothing to write about.

Tonight I got drunk with my sister and danced to music, cooked, and are about to watch a horror movie. I've made myself extra drunk so it scares me more.

I'm off.

xx Action Wolfe

Poem #7

2009-04-23T19:12:00.002+08:00

I can see.
by Action Wolfe

I could break.
And I will, it's coming.
Waiting for someone to put straw on my back.

I see things.
If you were there, you would know.
It's there and I can feel it but no one else see's it.

He knows it.
He hides it, keeps it in the shadows.
He seems to be sneaky like that which makes me the fool.

Fuck it all.
What, is it worth the pain?
Sometimes I think it could make a brilliant change to this.

Monotony.
It's time for a change, I think.
Just not with the one I expected to change my life with.

xAction Wolfe

A letter to the ones that weren't

2009-04-20T18:13:00.005+08:00

I have to write this - and I'm not quite sure why...

I got the sudden urge to when driving from Bunbury today and listening to Missy Higgins.

More for me to get all of it out of my head - instead of just pondering about it on my own.

-------------------------------------------

Dear #1,
You fucked me over. You made me less confident and uncomfortable with myself without even realizing it. You were the first one I was willing to feel for, to let lose for, to be here for. In one moment, you walked out of the room. In the same moment, lost me in the process. Every time I see you I feel the same things. Every time I see you I want it to work. But it wont. And I'm not saying that because I'm trying to protect myself. More because I'm realistic.
x Action
p.s. Fuck you. You fuck with your head - just the wrong one. Moving on.

Dear #2
You have hardly a clue. So I don't hold it against you at all. The problem I have with you is me. I read to much into things. I thought there was more than there was. I got the semiotics all wrong. Then again I think to myself over what has happened - and I debate whether it was or not. Which fucks me over more. I swear there were signs. One only ytouches and hugs another so many times before it's gay! Stop sitting on the fence.
x Action

Dear #3
Stop being hot. Stop catching my train. Stop me from imagining you as characters in my books, you are my Jacob Black. And that says something. You are a delusion to me. I catch you looking at me on the bust trips, in the ref, when we bump into each other at the shops. You are a constant reminder of someone who I consider perfect.
x Action

Dear #4
Stop writing me notes in class. Stop smiling and initiating jokes about the annoying guy that sits next to us. Stop the wry smile you do. STOP IT. IF ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN I DONT WANT YOU TO BE DOING THIS. If you want it to happen - make a move - I refuse to for so many reasons. Mainly because of what has happened with #1 and #3.

Dear #5
No offence - nothing else will happen. So if every time we meet you think we have a 'connection' don't. I look forward to awkward moments next time we see one another. Wait. I expect them.
x Action

Dear Uni
Fuck off and die - can't wait for this relationship to be over.
x Action

Dear Reader
Comment more - I'm lacking feedback.
x Action

-------------------------------------------

As you can see I'm in a pretty - lay it on the table type mood.  Mainly because many things have happened that have made me think about everyone.  FML at the end of the day - at least that's how I feel.
xx Action Wolfe

Dancing Through Life... For Once.

2009-04-17T01:28:00.002+08:00

Today a whole heap of the Children's Theater crew went in to paint the backdrops and other elements of this years stage. It is such a good mix of students for this year production and I think the script is really sharp - for adults and children.

The painting really got me in a good mood, as well as random jokes and brilliant music. Was a really nice vibe - regenerating to a degree.

I am heading to Bun-vegus (my home town) this weekend - will be nice to get drunk with friends, shout at randoms and hang with family. Not to mention to get some homework done in the quiet atmosphere of the farm. Really looking forward to it - just not the drive down. I suppose I will just get the wicked soundtrack going and sing it for the hour and a half trip.

I have to learn my lines to - love the character but I am still getting used to doing a pirate voice. Practice is what I need I think - and abit more of a cheerful tone.

Anyway - I'm gunna hit the hay.
Looking forward to kicking my feet up and drinking tomorrow night.

xx Action Wolfe

YES! LETS!

2009-04-16T01:07:00.002+08:00

Ok - so at this very moment I am a zombie. I cannot sleep - alas this blog is not about that.

I feel like my lives this massive game of Yes Lets at the moment (click here if you don't know what it is). But not the good way - more like year 8's playing Yes Lets. They do it mean and try to get each other to do embarasing stuff. It also feels about over exagerated - as if a host from playschool is saying yes lets. So if remains quirky and upbeat - whilst the undertones are monotonous and sinister.

Action, Do you want to feel lost and abit confused?

YES! LETS!

How about you feel lonely, yet find people your interested in, but the matching has fatal flaws?

YES! LETS!

How about you get shoved into a billion pages of paperwork for uni?

YES! LETS!

How about some emotional fuckwading? ey?

YES! LETS! WHY NOT!

Hrm- What about you have a burning desire to just drink every weekend and party like a mad man, and having it never happening?

YES! LETS! DELIGHTFUL!

How about you have every person remind you how lonely and desprate you have become?

YES! LETS! WONDERFUL!

How about you stab someone in the face?

YES! LETS!

... ok maybe not the last one but you get the point.

It feels like someone is purposly pulling stings on my life - to make it this monotonous melodramatic hell hole. I kinda just want this year to be over. I want a freash start. New town. New job. New people. . . of course that would mean I'd have to do the whole coming out thing to people again - URG I HATE IT! hahaaha.

xx Action Wolfe

Art is. Love is.

2009-04-14T00:07:00.004+08:00

At the moment all I'm getting is bombarded with people conceptualizing love. Whether it be single people, coupled people, people who shouldn't be people. They all have their theories. At the end of the day I think love is a lot like art.

ART IS.
LOVE IS.

In a scientific way, no in poem or sonnet, here is a list of reason why:
(if it were in a poem or sonnet that would be mixing art with reasoning why love is like art hence creating a bias....)

Love and Art:

cannot be forced. If they are they do not work at the end of the day.
can be interpreted by everyone who see's them. More than often people let their ideologies and biases judge people for having "love" or making "art".
do not need reasoning. They happen.
both start fresh and die old.
explode amongst our souls.
are expressions.
are making you think. Even making others double take.
are about being free of boundaries and boarders.
is not the same for any one person.
cannot be defined. If they are, the definition does not include every aspect of them.
mean different things to different people, ones persons love may be wasted on another. This is the same as with art.
both confront people.
are both ways to live your life.
are ways of exploring who you are as a person.
are unrequited.
make one hopeless. You can easily become a slave to both.
allows others to make you a spectacle. They put you on a pedestal for both.
come in many different forms. Love - Unrequited, sadistic, blackmailed, ect... Art- Sculpture, literature, paintings, ect....
have blurred boundaries. Where does one start love/art, and where does love/art officially become love/art.
both make statements about the people involved, like visual iconography.
can, on the other hand, mean nothing, and be useless.

IF ART AND LOVE ARE SO SIMILAR
ARE WE JUST

ARTISTS OF ROMANCE
CREATORS OF SIN
AUTEURS OF PASSION

OR IS IT JUST A GAME
THAT WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND
THAT WE SHOULD NOT UNDERSTAND

~~WHY SHOULD WE BOTHER~~

xx Action Wolfe

Poem #6

2009-04-12T00:00:00.002+08:00

Connection - Restrung
By Action Wolfe

Eros, Ludus, Storge, Pragma, Mania, Agape.
So many types, so many ways.

First sight would be nice.
Unrequited would be romantic.

Forbidden would be exciting.
Abusive would be aggravating.

It would be a change.
A whole new vision on life.

The duality of it all alludes me.
My internal clock ticks louder each day.

Better than this textual type.
Yet no one has been closer to me than that thing.

Keep living a fantasy that is a lie.
Maybe struggle with this paradigm alone.

Intellectual connection got me excited.
But is love really the heads place to decide.

xx Action Wolfe

TWISTED arrives

2009-04-11T01:46:00.002+08:00

xx Action Wolfe

Of course I like chicken.

2009-04-10T15:28:00.002+08:00

Well... at the moment I have a billion things to still do, around the house and at university. At the same time I really really don't want to do any of it. If I had a choice I would be laying on the beach drinking long island ice teas. Or even just spend a week like I would two years ago - lay around the house for a week and get the fuck over it - sure it would mean a week of being low, and not communicating, and becoming manically depressed. After that week however - I would last a good 6 months. It was a bargain I continually made.

At the moment I have a day at the most just to get over myself - so I find myself going through slumps. Almost every few days everything gets to much and I need time out from everything. Which is normal I think... well normal for me.

In saying that - at the moment I am in a really good mood. The weekend has re-energized me. After going out with George, Kitty and Mike it gave me that second wind. Like I was riding on cloud nine for the first half of the week - It was good to go out and be amongst the gays - and know that other people have the same views and lifestyle as me.

As for catching you up on my love life - not much has changed. A few interests, a few potentials, but nothing much on the horizon. LAME! haha.

I'm going to open up TWISTED tonight so check it out once its open.

:)

xx Action Wolfe

Poem #5

2009-04-09T20:24:00.002+08:00

IN TIME
by action wolfe

I will be fine - in the end of it all.
There is nothing to dismay about, my companions.
There will be no loss - nor there will be no condemned.

Stuck in this - its like groundhog day.
The days roll one into the next, and then another.
It won't end - no matter what anyone says or does.

I think a lot - about what could happen.
Like a pick a path each night, I think about the future.
Every path - there is that unrequited path.

Every day expected - every day the same outcome.
The continuous repetition, the continuous frustration.
If I could - I would jump a year of my life.

I would lose time - but it would stop this.
This monotony, it's deafening to my soul.
I want to speed forward - in time to make me happier.

I don't think I would miss it.

xx Action Wolfe
Expecting to release Twisted tomorrow night hopefully guys. Soz there has been hardly any entries lately - uni has been killing me softly, not with song but assignments.

Possibly the best night.... for a while anyways.

2009-04-05T17:53:00.002+08:00

So last night I went to my friend Emma's house for a dinner party with her med friends. Was interesting because I had heard about all of them but never actually met them before. Was interesting being with such a mix of people it wasn't funny - all so different but they all had the same sense of humor - which i really clicked with as well.

Then it happened. The med students started dropping like flies. One by one they evacuated away from the drunk arts students to get back to their science frame of thought... Emma and I walked the last one out - then proceeded to the park, an unwritten rule for visits to Emma. Somehow we got it into our heads that we wanted to hit the clubs - mainly the ones filled with gays.

I text many a person. No reply - the suddenly 20minutes later there was a glimmer of hope!

Kitty came to the rescue - alas by the time she got there (which was only like 15 minutes) Emma had drunkenly passed out "tired" (Emma just doesn't like gay people) and I cannot confirm it but there was probably some kind of drool seeping onto her pillow. :P

So the Kitty Kat took me to The Court - one of my favorite bars ever. Hardly ever have a bad time there. So we went out the back of it - and ran into our friends Michael and George (one of the funniest guys I know, and George is a crazy arse girl that is loud and just brilliant to be around. We ended up dancing, doing rounds of beer, talking to randoms.

At one point I said "I don't have many gay friends" and then ran into 12 that I knew. Which I found kinda comical.

After we danced and I talked my way into a closed off area to use the at the moment by mentioning I know the guy at the bar. So we went from there and got a slice of pizza - and went to Connections - which I'm not the biggest fan of, but was nice, except for the $20 entry fee that I was like what the fuck at.

We ended our night by going to Michael's for one last beer and listening to gay music. Was nice.

I ended up getting back to Emma's at 5.30am. Had a blast.

Need I say I paid for it in the morning - I didn't just have A hangover, I had THE hangover. haha.

xx Action Wolfe
A new fairytale is about to be unleashed...

This link says it all...

2009-04-04T02:20:00.003+08:00

You all may know that I have a big thing for Jensen Ackles!!

This is the reason why!!!!

CLICK HERE!

That is all- that video explains my huge arse celebrity crush.

xx Action Wolfe

Every time

2009-04-03T23:29:00.002+08:00

Every time I see this add it kills me.

I am a drinker, so these adds kinda hit hard.

It is on TV like 5 times a night.

Each times I get tingles.

Just one of those adds that makes you stop and think.

xx Action Wolfe

Connection in an Isolating Age

2009-04-03T01:11:00.002+08:00

Over the last few day's I have been a bit lost. Don't get me wrong, I am not down, upset, angry or defused. I am actually feeling the most mentally stable I have in quite a long time. I just feel a bit lost.

When I get like these my dreams become more erratic and it causes me to have a lack of sleep - not because I can't sleep but cause I wake up through the night. Leaving me no time to REM the night away. It may have a lot to do with Uni - but I don't feel stressed.... should I?

I know bridges are falling all over my networks- but I feel as if I am still striding confidently over them.

... I'm all set to unleash "Twisted" on the world... but just waiting for a day where I feel like it should happen.

I know I have had too much red wine when the bed feels empty... it's huge tonight. Sometimes I miss my king single because it's hard to feel solemn.

xx Action Wolfe

Hrm... Bare train of thought...

2009-04-02T00:21:00.003+08:00

Today in class we talked about love being a disease.
If that was the case why do I feel like I need to go out and get everyone to sneeze on me.

Anyway - Bare - so many thoughts rush into my head while I listen to this music. One of the lines goes "One day he will wake up an realize these feelings just won't go away." If you ever have had a connection with someone - you know that it is impossible to wipe it. No matter how hard you try - that connection will be there if nothing has occurred to change it. Time - time just makes it worse. No matter how much you detach. No matter how much you forget. The next time you see them - they come rushing back. It hurts - because it's just a vision you had - not anyone else.

Bare also has the line "me and my prince charming, we will lay there and count a thousand sheep" which makes me smile - but get upset at the same time. The duality of the line. The perfection of the word. The inevitable void it can create.

xx Action Wolfe

Red Wine

2009-04-01T22:27:00.002+08:00

Tonight - for the first time in forever - I drank some red and relaxed.

I had a 5 hour tute this arvo - and a 4 hour tute in the morning... and I thought Tuesdays were my hard days!!

So - in the days ahead I will be doing my assignments and listening to "Bare" which I finally got a copy of. Haha. My newest project at the moment is starting my viewer guided fairy tale blog. If you get a chance once it starts up give it a gizzy - will tell you all about it when it opens. :P

If your interested give me a comment here too... show me if i should be prepared for a shitload of work or not. :P

Anyway - I'm passing out at the comp - sorry for lack of entries lately. :(

Will keep up with it soon.

xx Action Wolfe

Twisted - a reader effected fairy tale

2009-04-01T07:12:00.002+08:00

Ok - I am in the process of clearing some of my creativity - in order to clear my head and express my creative writing needs that I don't get from my average day to day blogs.

I'm currently setting up a blog called "Twisted" which will be themed on the feedback and idea's - which is going to be fun to use some of the ideas and work with the story and characters. In the process creating a workpeice that is not only enjoyable but interactive. If there isn't interactivity for a week - the next entry will come exactly as I envisioned it.

The story has actually started with two of my friend picking things they want in the story - hence it has already began as a viewer based storyline. I actually really like the first entry so far - just want to design the perfect page for it.

:) will keep you all updated about the progress over the week - and when I open it up to the public you should all have aq gizzy.

Of course any other idea's for it - comment them here and I will try my best to incorperate some into the basic plot I have dwelling in my head.

xx Action Wolfe

Idea for the monologue... 65 assignments away...

2009-03-30T21:22:00.002+08:00

This is a very very draft draft - trying to get thing sorted in my head - and this is what this blog is about.

A man stands on a chair - announces the following while modeling three different mobile devices:

"Twitter, the site that you take everywhere. The site where you report everything. Microblogging. Because everyone wants to know what you are doing twenty-four-seven. . . Including your overprotective mother, and neo nazi ex boyfriend. Lets you tell others when your down. When your desperate. When you have nothing more to give.

Blogging lets your write what you want. Micro blogging is not blogging at all. It's step by step stalker access central. Its the end of the world. Its the taste of salt on your lips."

The man sits down and assumes a slouch. Laptop in front of him, binoculars in hand.

"Twitter - Watching a movie. Life - watching my neighbor. It's ok. I follow him in life on and off.... on and off line that is. 7.45 - he gets undressed and does sit ups. Twitter - 7.45, feeds the cat and reads the paper.

Sometimes I want to Twitter "watching neighbor feed the cat and read the paper, and finding it oddly interesting" to see if he notices. But why should he. We have an understanding. He pretends I don't exist. I watch him every minute he spends at home.

*Fill in some more stuff here to come - need to sort some more in my head.

So from here I want to move onto two separate stories - one I know and will include in a later blog - one i will make clear in my head soon...

Random Poem #4

2009-03-29T19:37:00.003+08:00

Connect
by Action Wolfe

Connection lost.
Server over powered.

Reconnecting....
Server not found.
Reconnecting....
Server not found.

Where is server?
Who is server?
Why can I not find my server?

Oh, is it because I want the wrong server?
Is it because the server I like has different networking?
Why can't I just find a server of my own.?
One with good connection.
One that I.... I have been waiting for...
... and will remain to... I guess that's all I can do.

Reconnecting....
Server still not found.

xx Action Wolfe

"We can't get this and Footloose!"

2009-03-29T13:09:00.004+08:00

Ok - last night I watched a movie with my mate. Fair enough we got it as a joke but it kinda got me kinda laughing at how lame the movie was.

It was called "East Side Story" - and believe it or not it's gayer than it looks... which seems like a hard thing to do. We originally got it because it said it had a "touching storyline" and also "avoids stereotypes about gay society". . . seriously... how the fuck is this avoiding all stereotypes about gay society. I mean for fuck!

At one point the character introduce their friends who want to buy the house their living in as say "Hey guys - these are my friends Adam and Steve." I mean. Wow. Adam and Steve... how original. Defiantly not a gay joke waiting to happen.

"Finding love in east Los Angeles is challenging, especially for a young closeted gay man. At times, sexy and romantic." I mean for fuck again! There are a billion and one gay guys partying in a house across the road from him... yet he still can't find a boyfriend. Alas when he gets one his either in denial or already has a boyfriend. I mean Oh my god!

At one point one of the main characters said "Super Dooper Fabulous"... How is that not a stereotype then what the hell is. hahaha.

This is just skimming the surface as to how.... hrm... I don't know how to describe it.... Gay? ... no... __________ this film is.

If you get a chance to watch it try and make it through the whole two hours. For half of it I sat ith my mouth open going "I can't beleive I'm watching this and not getting outraged."

hahaha - that is it for now peeps.

xx Action Wolfe

C aye N aye D aye

2009-03-27T21:13:00.000+09:00

Forever I have been fixated on traveling across Canada.

It just looks like such a picturesque country, which would be a nice place to visit. I don't actually know what to plan to do while I'm over there but I kinda feel like planning as I go over there.

I do know the first few weeks I want to spend in New York - Seeing all my Broadway shows and musicals. Then travel up the coast then along the Canadian/American boarder, visiting all the pit stop's that interest me along the way- mainly for sight seeing.

Why am I planning this now. Because It's all I can think of at the moment. My life is slowly grading away at me and my thoughts are doing myself in. That's why, to be frank.

Motions, smiles, dedications, creations, failures.
Present, Represent, Resent - that is my current motto.

Canada is the one think making me go forward in life at the moment.

The one reward I get from my multiple goals set down at the moment. And its at least 2 and a half years away.

... the one thing that bothers me is that I feel like the kid I was in leavers... for those non-aussies reading this that's an aussie version of spring break. I don't know why I think this.

xx Action Wolfe

Present > Represent > Resent

2009-03-26T00:33:00.000+09:00

I have to write a monologue soon. Those who know me, know that I like to do out there controversial monologues for my university course. Last time I did a 5 minute Non-Verbal Monologue, where I confronted the question of Suicide and Sexuality. In it I wrote gay slurs and slashed my wrists with lipstick throughout its duration with the help of music.

I come to this monologue, with no boundaries, no outlines, no outline as to what to do. Just that it must include production aspects. Wow - specific.

The problem I'm having is how controversial is too controversial. I want something that has occurred in the real world, and present it to an audience that may have no idea what is happening in their world. I want to show issues out there that others do not know about.

<--------------------------------->

When I'm in "create" mode I take things from every aspect of my life, from what i read, to what i listen to. They all feed into my ideas. Hence why whenever I'm writing I will have music on in the background.

 
"Passing time, you've come soo far but your still behind."
                           -Pete Murray

"I wallow in the sympathy of strangers that I see."
                         - Rachel Gorman  (look her up on myspace - she is a brilliant upcoming artist)

"Contemplating that I'm one step closer, not knowing how many steps are left."
                         - Rachel Gorman  (LOOK HER UP NOW!)

"Oh green world, don't desert me now.  Bring me back to Fallen Town where someone is still alive."
                         -Gorillaz

And these blogs are getting me thinking - I don't know if the angle is too dark, but it wont be anything like my other suicide one... which was quite symbolic. I think if you tackle something like this there should not be blood and guts, just foreboding. Even take an "Assassins" approach to it.

This reminded me a lot of "Assassins" - which is ironic in an article form.
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/everyone_should_own_a_gun_for

I like that In this blog - the whole idea of technology making the world more like "Lord of the Flies"
http://toddy2bloggy.blogspot.com/2009/02/how-much-is-too-much.html

Even though I disagree with this "Bitch" (verged onto the C word here bout think its as inappropriate, there is a reason her comments are blocked obviously) a hell of a lot, I'm giving her a plug because she gave me an idea or two about why people commit dastardly acts of violence upon themselves. The whole idea that people hate you when your alive and love you when dead surprised me. I still think it was not a pc comment in a public domain.
http://gnomzxx.blogspot.com/2009/03/i-was-right.html#comments

<---------------------------------->

The thing is with this, I don't know where my piece is going to end up... I have no idea.

If anyone has any idea's throw em to me in comments!

:)

xx Action Wolfe

Phantom, almost the new black.

2009-03-25T14:30:00.000+09:00

Last night I got to see Phantom of the Opera - finally. After six years of wanting to and not being able to afford it when I have been in Melbourne - so glad I could finally see it in Perth.

It was really good - the sets, acting, music, voices, ambiance was all brilliant. I miss being in theaters all the time, the one thing I planned on doing this year was to see more shows - and I'm actually doing it. Feels good. Next ones on my list are Les Misérables, Little Shop of Horrors (yay Bri and Emmet) and also want to see many more Perth productions- including a few WAAPA ones.

As for Phantom - I loved it intensely, every theater aspect was well accomplished and tied in together. The only thing that would make it better was if it was a smaller audience leading to a more heart thumping vibe. I mentioned to my sister that the chandelier went slower than I thought. She said in the production she saw it went really really fast. Haha - wonder if its a difference in perspectives or if they were actually different. The bit that made me wheel back the most is when they reveal parts of the stage that you wern't expecting.

It is a close runner up to Wicked and Priscilla - but that won't suprise those of you who know me. I guess its all about what you like and what you don't in the end. I was more enthralled by everything in Priscilla and Wicked than Phantom. And many of you will also go "For fuck sake" because I mentioned Wicked again - its the best thing I have ever seen so of course I'm going to compare everything to it. Once you see it you will understand why I love it so much - you might not like it to the extent that I do but you will see what captivated me soo much in it.

xx Action Wolfe

p.s. Certainty, People Like Certainty

The Role

2009-03-23T14:34:00.000+09:00

I love this - has so many things I have said and felt in it. When I saw a version of this in Perth - It hit close to home.

xx Action Wolfe

After the Chase

2009-03-23T10:39:00.000+09:00

Yesterday I went on "The Chase" which is always one of my favorite days. It is an Amazing race style race around Perth. It is a fast paced race where you go from checkpoint to checkpoint gaining clues to the next position. This year the team I was in dressed as Michael Jackson throughout the ages. I dressed as bubbles. Was a frikkin helaire theme.

Dave, Neenee, Leesh, Lalee and myself.

Was an awse day hey - like so much fun. We were there to have fun, stopped for drive thru's (love it how they abbreviate the word through), yet were only seconds away from a win. Made me laugh and think WTF? hahaha. In a good way.

After the race I went to see my old room mate. Which was really nice to have a drink and a catch up.

If you haven't been on a chase and get a chance to - DO IT!

xx Action Wolfe

Biorythms

2009-03-19T14:58:00.000+09:00

My friend has been telling me about biorhythms for a long time. Just then she sent me a site that informs me of what mine are. It is quite interesting - I feel like they are pretty accurate - for the last weeks anyhow. I think you will all know I go through cycles with my life - some weeks i feel brilliant and some weeks I feel like a nugget on the floor of a macca's restaurant. These are mine:

Looks like in 10 days I will be on top of the world. Lets see how it works... hahaha

If you want to find out your own here's the link.

xx Action Wolfe

Random Poem #3

2009-03-18T23:37:00.000+09:00

This Is My Life
by Action Wolfe

You were the unwritten pages of my book.
I kept you there, because I thought the pages would write themselves.
I was devastated when they didn't.

I found tare marks in the middle of the book.
I deduced that it was where you hadn't liked what happened before you came.
I will never set eyes on them again.

Sometimes I can't deal with the changes.
I close its pages and push it away from me with great ease.
Not noticing what I am doing.

Each time I place it away from me.
I just make myself start all over again in the same predicament.
No more "what if" please.

xx Action Wolfe

Train of thought...

2009-03-18T20:46:00.000+09:00

Today I caught the train back from Perth - only a 50 minute journey but most people despise it. I really enjoy public transport (to an extent).

I sat in the seats that face one another - which I always try to get. I don't like not seeing who is behind me on trains. So I ended up facing a reasonably attractive guy. Ok... I lie... He was hot... So I played awkward eye games with him for 45 minutes of the trip. He played along too tho. Smiling during the procession of gayness.

I don't understand how people zone out and sleep on trains. I get so excited watching a small sample of the community in one place. How people react to one another ect ect. It intrigues me. I could easily sit on a bus for a whole day and watch people. Listen to conversations that are not meant for me. Watch people that I will never meet again and remember.

It amuses me... Today I had the thought of "How many couples have met on public transport?" Just another layer of morbidity of my lonely gay lifestyle. lmao.

Ooooh - the other thing I thought about was the graffiti on the train windows... I couldn't make out what the pricks had written. I sat there for 20 minutes trying to make out the words and decided if your gunna be a bitch and grafiti why not make it legible? Doesn't it somewhat defeat the point? Lame is all I can say about it. I would be impressed if they stated witty comments such as "Lies weight more than Truth" or somethings like that. But no they are all crappy scribble.

Graffiti street art - legalised art pieces - are brilliant and things which I can respect.

xx Action Wolfe

Margaret Cho on Gay's

2009-03-16T22:25:00.000+09:00

My friend David introduced me to the comedian Margaret Cho - I watched this video and lost if for the whole time. Thought I'd share it with yall. Love it! Matches in well with the gist of my blogs so far so I thought I'd throw it in.

xx Action Wolfe

"Home and a Gay"

2009-03-16T18:06:00.000+09:00

Ok - so there are going to be lesbians on Home and Away - I'm cool with that on the grounds that one doesn't wear a wife beater and plays football.

The highlight of my day was seeing my two girls I went on a teaching prac with. We always talk about the random stuff that happens to us in out Diploma's of Education... and laugh and talk about how it all corresponds with our prac schools and how we are all coping with it all. It's funny coz Yevette only has one unit - doing it part time - and she is the one out of the three of us who is freaking out. Kind of like old school comedy.

Then somehow we got onto the subject on who likes cats and dogs... and I said I like cats, because they somewhat look after themselves and they come to you when they want affection. Yevette said "If only you had that in a woman hey Adam." lol- I nearly spat my drink out over her and Christie. They both laughed and I said "Keep up guys I need a cat man, not a cat woman." But I don't think they got it... hahaha.

I found it amusing that they hadn't clicked as of yet... after knowing them for 3 months now nothing had came up to suggest otherwise.

It is amusing when this happens - but at the same time I feel awkward trying to explain I bat for the wrong team. Hahah - I have had a few brilliant coming out lines in the past - haha - I used to be creative with it.

:) I think I will leave you there for now.

xx Action Wolfe

My Blog as a Poem... just to mix things up.

2009-03-14T20:31:00.000+09:00

My blog as a Poem...
By Action Wolfe

I'm not good with large groups.
I feel confined, and gain the need to escape.
My eyes start darting.
I feel anxious.

Yet I can stand in front of crowds.
Teach infants, and classrooms of children.
Without Hesitation.
I just do it.

I do not like the idea of close individuals.
I have many, many close friends that I hold dear.
That's how I roll.
It's Just me.

Even if you don't understand that it is okay.
It doesn't, really hurt or hinder me to and extent at all.
I think it's nice.
I'm not perfect.

I don't know why I decided to write like this.
I like it, I think I needed a change from my normal self.
To express.
Be different.

I have transferred to an odd place at the moment.
I change, I go from the top of the world then into the shadows.
In an instant.
Very fast.

I'm happy with where I'm at in this moment.
But yet, at the same time I'm ready to start my next phase.
Less Monotony.
More balance.

It will be fine thought because I like to think I'm strong.
I will be, I'm the kind of person who does things to prove a point.
I think that's a good thing.
Life is short.

Rant spawned from an MSN conversation.

2009-03-12T23:29:00.001+09:00

Sometimes I think life would be soo much easier being straight.

For once I would like to talk to people and not have my sexuality pop up for once. I am gay - but that does not define who I am. I want to sit down and have a chat to a random with the feeling that I'm accepted no matter how they think. I don't like the notion that as soon as people find out I am gay it changes everything... I just don't get it.

Do they think it's a personal choice?

I am gay - it is not my fault. I'd rather accept myself than live a lie and die unhappy.

I also think it would be easier to have a straight relationship. Not just the social aspect of showing affection - but the actual relationship itself. Straight people have a somewhat chronological order to how they live.

Meet > Date > Relate > Marry > Kids > Parenting

With gay people I kind of feel like they move along two separate paths.
PATH A
Meet > Fuck > Move on
PATH B
Meet > Date > Relate > Commit > ?? what next ??

You may have noticed "marriage" was not in the gay paths.  I don't think it should be a goal.  Marriage is based from religion - we are not accepted amoung that - so why marry when we can get the same rights?  Well - we can fight for the same coupled rights without having the label it with the term "marriage".

... that's just how I feel at this point in time.  It may change.  Sometimes I'm fickle.

I want to find a partner who will follow this path:
Meet > Date > Relate > Commit > Live happily ever after
(Kids/Adoption may be an option... but not fussed at all about it aye)
(and yes I am aware I do not live in a fairytale)

lol - that is my rant.

I shall leave it at that for now.... it could have been longer but I seem too.... I don't even know... insane?

meh.

xx Action Wolfe

Systematic Functional Linguistics.

2009-03-12T20:54:00.000+09:00

Just saying it makes me cringe.... oh how I hate them.... haha.
I don't see why we must learn about them after the tutor said "Oh I don't even understand them sometimes - but you should know it."

Today I did nothing... I slept in very late (which I needed), did an hour of Systematic Functional Linguistics, looked for a monkey costume for an upcoming car rally and watched my favourite TV shows.

Was VERY nice to have a time out day.

I'm getting my tattoo within a month or two. It is so exciting. When it gets closer I feel a little bit freaked out but I'm more excited about it than that. It will defiantly happen. I love the design. It has its own little meanings for me that I can write an essay on.

Also - I'm feeling so high school atm. :P

I had a whole passing notes in class flirtatiously thing going on. Also had a whole "text a friend coz their with him" thing going on... year twelve going on all over again. hehe.

I think that's all for now Wolfies.

xx Action Wolfe

The enevitable.

2009-03-11T16:58:00.000+09:00

Okay - so from where I left off has been a few days.

I have done many a things and had many things occur.

I am still in the state of mind from Monday - but alas it has became a positive thing. Yes I am still zoned out and don't know what to think of myself... but who does really. Its became positive because a lot or my uni worries have become clearer. Throughout the week things are just clicking in my head repetitively... it felt great to know my brain actually still works. They are going through curriculum frame works in drama - and all my teaching processes are slowly aligning together which is nice.

There is a guy that kinda half set me a flutter in one of my classes too - but i will keep you informed if anything remotely happens with that. Hahaha. Could luck be on my side this time? More than likely no. :P Probably straight like the rest of them.... I have a bad track record for that... one more headfuck for my list... and no that was not a sexual connotation.

:)

I'm in an amped mood.

Feeling good.

Prolly do another post before I sleep - I always seem to.

xx Action Wolfe

Lost? No... Not quite.

2009-03-10T01:02:00.000+09:00

I feel so 2D at the moment. Like there is nothing to me. Like I am grasping to find that one thing about me that makes me real again.

I'm living in delusions, daydreaming about impossibilities, and thinking too analytically. Almost like I can't feel anymore.

I know I can though.

I have emotions. I just feel... Like I'm going through the motions.

Don't ask me "whats wrong" because I would have said it here if I knew.

I guess I will work through it slowly... like I have so many times before.

Some day my depth will return to me.

... until then you may see Action... but he feels like he can't envision himself.

It's probably all about perception.

There... that's a good place to work from. See what I mean.

So many things around me at the moment have made me aspire to do more. It just all feels like a lost cause at this point.

xx Action Wolfe

The Theatre on the Back of my Eyelids.

2009-03-08T23:46:00.000+09:00

You park at the train station, planning ahead because there are no parks at uni.

You say goodbye to your friend, both departing to the uni near the city. Along the freeway you light up a cigarette. You take two puffs. Your throw it out the passenger window, with great skill. Your friend drives past at a rapid pace making hand gestures towards your car. You laugh, winding up the passenger window but leaning over the hand break.

You get out of your car. Walk along a path trying to find your friend. Staring at strangers you don't know. Many of them ignoring you like you would expect. Face after face, no one is registering for you. Then you see him. The crush. The one. However you described it. Everyone else fades away. You forget for a minute that your searching for someone. He hops on a train, the crowd slowly returns.

You stare at face after face again.

Suddenly one registers with you, but they just glance past you.

"Dad?" you say. Surprised that the man you haven't spoke to for 3 years is on the same side of the country as you. You spin around, he glances at you and stops. You don't know how to feel about it. It is like seeing a ghost.

So many emotions flush through your brain, cascading one after another. That single moment feels like hours. No, years. It's not awkward like you thought. It's not nice either. "What are you doing here?" you ask. Confused. Suspecting the worst. His mouth doesn't move but he tells you he is here to see friends. Your friend runs up to your side. Without moving her mouth she tells you your going to be late. You introduce them. Voices coming from everyone without mouth movements.

"Would you like a lift?" Your father asks.
"No- we will walk." you answer.

He turns around to walk off.
"Nice" you say without thinking. He stops. the crowd keeps walking past you. You turn around and walk away. You don't care either. You walk away.

Your friend stops you to hug them. The only thing you can think about is if you smell of cancer or not. "It's ok hun." She says as you touch her mouth to see if its moving.

Your running down the corridor. It's white paint is made more bleak by the brown doors along it. Your already 20 minutes late - half deciding if you should bother with your tute or not now its at this point. You stop at the door - peering at its number trying to figure if its the right room.

You knock.

He answers. The one man your heart skips a beat for. You feel confused, he had hopped on a train to the city. You stare at one another again. "Hi... wrong room i guess..." you say. At ends with what to say. His mouth moves but nothing comes out. Nothing is transferred. He closes the door on you.

You stand in the hallway.

People start to walk past you again.

None of their mouths moving.
All of them talking to each other.

You touch your lips to feel them move - their pursed.

xx Action Wolfe

One not so exciting day...

2009-03-08T17:02:00.000+09:00

I have done nothing today... haven't even talked to anyone else.

So I thought I'd treat you all to a couple of paragraphs of the book I'm writing... it's draft draft.

It is an excerpt from chapter one... the novel is called "The Sea".

Enjoy.

xx Action Wolfe

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter One
Sand and Time

The wind blasted at the manor. A stranger stood one side of its security doors and one of its occupants on the other. She kicked at the security mesh as her eyes darted at him furiously. The man on the opposite side stood comfortably – knowing the security mesh had stayed put after heavier blows. He had a place to escape from the arid harsh planet, the mansion he dwelled in was the only one he knew of left standing. Sand hit her flesh like shards of sandpaper once they were picked up from the surrounding desolate tract.

“Let me in!” she screamed through the grit of her teeth.

“Why should I?” he asked, calm and curious.

“If you had a soul, a hint of humanity, you might.”

“Why should I let strangers dwell among my family?” He stated in his collected voice. Her hands wrapped one another in a cloth to stop the burning of her skin as sand wretched her follicles.

“I will pay you any price – please… I beg of you.” She pleaded with a solemn look on her face. She had realized that her violence would not consequent in anything good. A tear rolled down her cheek, she forgot the pain as she collected the droplet on the tip of her finger. She gazed at it, fascinated by its beautiful nature.

“You may wish to save your tears. You will need any amount of moisture you can retain.” He said looking bemused at her, wasting such a precious commodity. “Your money is no good here, no good anywhere. Burn it once the sun has vanished to keep your self warm.”

He knew she would soon die, as every other soul who had tried to survive out here had. He did not want to let any one else in, rations were thin already for the 4 that lived there. It would be safer for himself and his family if he declined her entrance.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. Hope you liked it. : P

This song is stuck in my head.

2009-03-08T00:08:00.000+09:00

Yet again I have musicals stuck in my head.

Just wanted to share this song from BARE... I cried so many times in this musical when there was a production in Perth. Fucking str8 gays!

I want to drink, alas my man cold does not permit it.

2009-03-07T17:33:00.000+09:00

*COUGH* *COUGH* *COUGH*
Sorry... Its just that time of the year.... STILL.

Today my niece said "Fucking Dickhead." It's not often you hear a 2 year old string two profanities together and it work so well. Blanch went to me "Did you say that in front of her?" (Automatic assumption since she runs around the house now saying "Fucking Chance" because of me). My guess is that it was her without her noticing.

I cannot remember the last time ANY of my friends or myself has used the term "Dickhead". It's kind of like there are so many more harsher things to say now a days and its just got so mild its not even worth using. I found that amusing. Probably because "Dickhead" used to be every second word out of mine and my sisters mouths.

Today I also had a bath.

That may seem like a simple statement for me it means so much. I used to use these as a way of escaping. I have it dark and play music whilst I'm laying in the bath. Not only does it release anything in my mind, but it also relaxes me and helps me to get to sleep - which I have trouble with sometimes. It took me back - because I haven't done it in about 6 months. It was nice. I need to do this when I'm freaking out later in the semester.

xx Action Wolfe

Pottle - the new form of passive agressivness

2009-03-06T12:04:00.000+09:00

It's nice to know I have readers that I don't know about.
_{(Yes... you... You should really just follow this blog, may be easier for you. LMFAO)}

Kinda adds to the aesthetics of my blog. As in who is really watching my words, because that is all they are, and I refuse to take any of them back. So today I shall bore you... not really... I shall entertain you with my cast array of circus tricks. As some of you make know I also lie.

Ok, enough of this beating round the bush shit. The theme of the day is my MAN COLD! Dum dum duuuuum.

YEs I am sick - but alas, I think I have discovered a new strain of it... GAY MAN COLD.
It is twice as flamboyant and twice as dumb. It also makes you sneeze glitter to a certain extent. The cold is also more attracted to men then women... this is not one of your run of the mill bisexual colds that goes after anyone. (Nee we have different colds... honestly... hahaha)

As you can see my head is not in the right place atm. It's almost as if its gone "Me sick, you no think today." ...

You can read that voice in two ways... Oriental Stereotype... Or Primitive Neanderthal.

Yes I know this blog did not make sense... But as I said these blogs are to help me clear whats in my head. And this is what my head is like at the moment.

xx Action Wolfe

"Why am I even listening to you, you're a virgin who can't drive."

2009-03-05T18:20:00.000+09:00

No - today I figured I don't need to reinvent myself... I need to reinterpret myself.

_{(If you don't know what I'm going on about go back two posts.)}

I had lunch with two friends that I was once really really close to today. Yet again don't get me wrong... I love them both to pieces but drifting happens in all friendships at some point. It was not awkward as such - for a catch up after 3 months there didn't feel like much to talk about - so I don't know how I feel about it.

Then I noticed that I have changed... hence why I am hanging around new people now without noticing a general shift in groups.

Call off the renovations!! haha.

I've moved in a direction without noticing it. I clicked once they asked "How is teaching?" and I said "I love it - I can't wait till my next Prac." It feels nice to be heading down a path that I like. And the reason I like it is because it isn't an easy path. Fuck it is going to be hard - but fuck it will be worth it.

I think that is all today without getting into any other details.

xx Action Wolfe

P.S. Someone with the name of Jo__ is a stoopid bitch... fyi

Sometimes...

2009-03-05T11:12:00.000+09:00

Sometimes I feel things that arn't really there;
Like a ghost sensation.
I feel outcasted at the best of times;
I feel included at the worst.
The ways things plan out always,
Always seem to leave me in the dark.

If there was something I was meant to be in;
I will not see it.
Don't think it's because I don't care;
Sometimes I don't notice.
Don't think I'm selfish,
Just sometimes I don't connect.

Put a bag over my head and you will see the point;
Nothing will have changed.
I may still be able to communicate;
But it will be muffled in vain.
Don't take it personally,
I'm just a little disjointed.

The Day that was.... rather nice but uneventful...

2009-03-04T22:00:00.000+09:00

My day was nice. I had class with my group of uni mofo's. Had a nice, yet overendulgent lunch with a smirnoff beverage. Then went to class again... which ended in a coffee session in the ref. Was nice.

During this was blocking (like semi-auditions) for my childrens theatre class and an afternoon of jumping around the drama workshop for my class in the after noon... Spose I should get used to it I will be doing it with classes soon. hehe.

So thats the boring stuff out of the way (not really boring but more... weekly occurances)...

Tonight I had dinner and drinks with Emma and Kylie... I used to sit next to them in chemistry and physics in high school. As always we riticuled and teased each other sensless... many comments about Kylies cousins.... Many comments about various arts degree's... In the end its funny how people change. Altho we are making the same jokes we did four years ago but we are all so different...

Emma has studied med and changed courses into something I did not expect her to go into from what I remember from high school. (*Cough* gay and not in the good way *cough*) And Kylie.... is not tha same person... at all...

... like she is but its almost like she has re-invented herself...

I don't feel changed...

... almost like im the same person just outed.

Maybe a reinvention is in order....

xx Action Wolfe

Emo Rutt - The Woe is Me Blog that isn't

2009-03-03T00:22:00.000+09:00

Well... Its the second night in a row I am having trouble getting to sleep.

I don't even think it's because of anything in particular... I'm just not tired any time of the day except the morning. lol.

I tend to detach myself when I get like this. Sometimes I need space. As one of my friends asked me a few weeks ago "Are you one of those people who have to get away from a party because its just too much?"

Defiantly - I am one of those people.

For some reason at this time of night I start to evaluate where I am in life. I keep telling myself after this year it will all be okay. Just this one more year then your finished uni. Just for one more year, you can keep it up for that can't you? Just one more year?...

I'm not saying that I hate uni- don't get me wrong. It's the best thing that has happened to me, and also the reason why I have soo many brilliant friends and learnt so many things about living away from home - learning things about myself and who I am too... *vomits*

... Yes this is starting to sound like a corny run of the mill "oh I'm going through a 'mid life crisis'" dealio. Believe me I'm not, and not going to suddenly pick up a nack for restoring old cars. PFT! All I know is petrol goes in, car moves forward. No petrol, car does not start.

It just feels like I have got no where in the time since highschool. Yes I have a degree and I'm a year off teaching... Just feels like abit of a rutt.

I'm going to go back to repetativly rolling over on my bed.

Maybe listen to a musical on my Ipod.

Who knows?

xx Action Wolfe

Conditions: Drowsey with sunlight horizons.

2009-03-02T18:42:00.000+09:00

Last night I had 4 hours sleep... was just one of those nights I tossed and turned.

The interesting thing that hit me today was this little fact. I thought I was the only person in the world to do this: I can't brush my teeth without the urg to throw up. I don't know why or what its about but I always do it no matter where or when I brush my teeth. Odd looks aside. I was having a little fit about it in the bathroom, coughing and coughing. Then my sister started pulling the piss. I told her why it was and she simply went.

"I know, your not the only one... dad does it too."

... This threw me back. I hardly know my dad... and the one little thing that thought was abit off about me fits in.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying vomiting over brushing your teeth is hereditory... I just found it interesting that I had something in common with the man I hardly know.

I wish I caught public transport today... that may become clearer as to why at a later date :P

xx Action Wolfe

Does this layout make my butt look big?

2009-03-01T23:43:00.000+09:00

I just sat here for half an hour... searching through masses upon masses of layouts and clicked.

What the fuck am I looking for?

How can one express themselves through pre-made layouts. Is it just an extension of who we are in the 21st century. I can just imagine the masses of highschool students sitting around at lunchtime going "Oh my god... did you see what her myspace layout was... what a slut... like oh... my... god."

Am I meant to be writing to express what I want from my life? Or am I hear to experience this so called thing called a blog? it interests me. So I have decided not to pigeon hole my self to one topic, to one form of entry, to one way of looking at things. I'm going to write about what MATTERS to me in the moment. A few days down the track it may not have anything to do with me life anymore.

And this entry... just something I wanted to spread my thought on.

Are the layouts for aesthetic appeal - or are they a type of branding on who you are as a person. Part of the reason I like facebook so much...

I still am yet to find one that makes me go "YES! LOVE IT!"

Expect it to change copious amounts of time.

xx Action Wolfe

Chapter One in this crazy blogosphere

2009-03-01T10:39:00.000+09:00

And so.... It Begins.

Okay, I do not really know what to expect from writing this blog. I have kept one before and it bared useful for me to sort things out in my head and into a digital format... alas feedback is always good. I am a virgin to this site so if it takes a while for me to get set up - bare with me. :P

At the current moment I am a uni student, struggling money wise, struggling socially due to lack of time, and struggling mentally. When things happen to me i will jot them here... this semester I am not only overloading to get my degree finished this year, but for a personal challenge to myself. So at the current moment I am doing a production unit, a psychology unit, and two curriculum based units... all units they say to do along side easier units.

So hold tight if this blog becomes erratic, it will straighten itself out by the end of the year.

.... will tell you more about myself along the way too.

xx Action Wolfe